


Broken Sun

by Destiel_Cockles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Ending to s5 e16- Dark Side Of the Moon, Anal Sex, Angry Dean Winchester, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Bottom Sam, Depressed Dean, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Episode: s05e16 Dark Side of the Moon, Explicit Sexual Content, Feels, First Time, Flashbacks, Hair-pulling, Humor, Hurt Dean Winchester, I swear even though there are emotional feels it will be worth it, Impala Sex, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kinks, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Up, Misunderstandings, Nipple Play, Oral Sex, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Protective Castiel, Recreational Drug Use, Rimming, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Samulet, Sex in the Impala, Smoking, Smut, Street Racing, Teasing, Top Dean, Top Dean Winchester, Unrequited Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Wincest - Freeform, Worried Sam, implied past physical abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-04
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-10 13:02:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 41,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3291287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiel_Cockles/pseuds/Destiel_Cockles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean knew he would never have a normal life and even though he was constantly making scarifies and putting everyone else's needs above his own he was okay with it as long as he had Sam. He had always done everything he could to give Sam what he never had and love him unconditionally. No matter how much Sam hurt him, Dean was never able to be mad at him because Dean loves Sam more than anything and wants nothing more than for Sam to be happy and to be with him, even if it isn't the way he truly desires to be. </p><p>Everything changes when Sam & Dean go to Heaven. Dean may have been able to live with Sam hiding things from him, he even could get past him going to Stanford, but one thing he can't deal with is the fact that his life seems to have been one big lie- He believes Sam does not want him in his life.  </p><p>Dean spirals into a self-destructive depression, he has no inhibitions and no longer cares about anything. He has no idea that what he saw in Heaven was not the whole story. Sam desperately tries to get through to Dean but Dean takes off, so he turns to Cas for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this to my inspiration, one of my best friends and fellow Dean lover [Sun](http://darksun713.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you for the request- a smutty wincest (first time, top!Dean) where Dean was extremely hurt by what he saw in Heaven, and where Sam does not realize that Dean has been in love with him with lots of feels.
> 
> * * * I have never written something so emotional or angsty but I love Dean so much I connect with him and I feel this is what he felt and would have really done when he thought Sam wanted a life without him. Thanks for reading, I hope you all like this.

Dean was used to disappointment. He had learned at way too early of an age to expect nothing because most of the time that was exactly what he got. He had also known for just as long that his life was going to pretty much suck, give or take the few things that made him happy, and he could live with that. The only things he needed in his life were his Baby, plenty of booze, sex, and his brother. Sure, he didn't have his brother the way he had always secretly desired to, and even though they had literally been through hell together and had more ups and downs than every roller coaster in the world combined, but Sam was in his life and that's all that mattered. He wasn't at some ivy league school, Dean wasn't in Hell, and even though the angels were trying to ruin his life further, up until that day Dean had been ok with his pretty much suckish life.

Then everything changed. He got the harshest of all reality checks, those dickbag angels had done it again-ruined his life, disappointed him, made him realize just how little he had and pretty much taken away every shred of possible normalcy and happiness he would ever be able to have. It had been an eye opening experience to go to Heaven. He knew what his best memories were, he couldn't tell you which ones were the absolute best but he could tell you they all involved Sam. Or had until a few hours ago.

It didn't bother him that he wasn't Sam's first choice of Heaven as much as it bothered him what actually was. The darkest, most depressing, absolute worst parts of Dean's life had apparently been crowning moments for Sam. He could not get over the fact that not one of Sam’s greatest memories involved any of the thousands of things he had done for him, every single one had been about getting away from Dean. Each and every memory hurt more and more, and by the time they were standing in the road and he realized one of Sam’s ideas of Heaven was the day he hated most, the day his world came crashing down, where he felt a depression so deep for the first time ever he had actually contemplated ending it all. He was done, it was bad enough living though the pure hell of losing Sam the first time, reliving it again sent Dean over the edge.

Dean downed his fifth shot in a half hour and signaled to the bartender for another. She frowned and walked over, swaying her hips as she walked up and set her hand on Dean's.

"Sweetie, you've had enough."

"Not even close," Dean slurred, not even bothering to look up with her.

Any other day he would have at least attempted to half ass flirt, especially because she had been hitting on Dean since before his ass had even hit the bar stool.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Never."

Dean ran his finger over the rim of the empty shot glass. He knew he could get anything he wanted on looks alone but add a sexy smile and a little of his awesome personality and he would get all the alcohol he wanted and probably a little ass. Dean dug deep to give her a slight smile and tried to wipe the soon to permanent scowl off of his face. He glanced up, ran his tongue over his lips then in his seductive voice answered her low, his slight drawl more noticeable now that he was drunk. "Make it a double, throw in a beer and  _then_  you can cut me off."

She put her hands on the bar, leaning in toward Dean, watching his eyes flicker down to her low cut shirt. He grinned as she leaned forward more and unbuttoned two more buttons, giving him a nice view of her rather large breasts. Dean may have been in a shitty mood but he would never pass up sex, especially because she was not only hot but also very busty, and Dean had a thing for busty beauties, even if they weren’t Asian.

 "Skip the beer and come back to my place for the night and you've got yourself a deal. I get off in ten minutes."

Dean slid this tongue across his lips, a half smirk half devilishly sexy grin plastered across his face. He winked as he countered, "Baby, you'll get off a hell of a lot longer than ten minutes with me."

Dean chuckled to himself as she let out a soft breathy moan and poured out not one, but three double shots. Two were slid in front of him, while she downed the third.

"Screw it, I can leave right now."

Dean took both shots one right after the other then stood up and dropped a fifty on the bar. "Give me a minute to hit the head and I'll spend the rest of the night screwing it."

As Dean took a step forward he got a massive head rush. He was used to drinking whiskey by the bottle full, but he had smoked a joint on his way to the bar and downed a fifth of vodka while he was rolling it up. Then he had so many double shots of whiskey when he got to the bar he had lost track sometime after the sixth shot. He stumbled forward, catching himself on the edge of a table. He somehow made it to the men's room, stopping at the sink to splash some cold water on his face.

Dean glanced up at the mirror, then put his hand on his chest in a panic. The amulet he had rarely taken off over the past twenty years was gone. After ten seconds of sheer panic, he suddenly remembered that it had lost all meaning, and that he had tossed it in the garbage on his way out the door. He had been in such a rush to get away from Sam he had walked out without his keys. When he realized that Sam had them he had considered hot wiring the Impala, but figured he was going to be so wasted he didn't want to wreck. Not that he really cared if he hit a tree head on, but his Baby didn't deserve that, and the only other thing stopping him was he had no desire to go back to either Heaven or Hell ever again.

After stumbling to a urinal and taking a piss, he attempted to make it out the door without falling or knocking into anyone. He stopped and leaned against the wall since the room was spinning out of control. Dean lit a cigarette and felt his phone vibrating. He didn't need to look at it to know it was Sam. He took a long slow hit and blew out the smoke as he looked across the bar and tried to decide which way to go that would have the least amount of people to get in his way. He was too fired up to fuck around and if anyone even looked at him the wrong way he would probably knock them on their ass.

Dean took the last hit off of his cigarette, leaning across a table to put it out then nearly knocking the table over as he stood up. He attempted to make his way back to the bar, nearly falling twice and bumping into a guy who looked like he was about to kick his ass until he turned around and got a good look at Dean then quickly apologized.

Just as Dean was about to sit back down at the bar, he suddenly felt a hand grab onto his shoulder. Thinking the guy he had bumped into finally grew a pair he turned around, swinging his fist when it was caught in a hand much bigger than his own.

"Dammit, Sam. Get the fuck off me," Dean slurred, attempting to pry Sam's hand off of his shoulder.

"Dean, you're wasted. I'm taking you back to the motel."

"Like hell you are."

Dean tried spinning away from Sam, but got so dizzy he stumbled forward. If Sam hadn't put his arm out to catch him, Dean would have landed face first on the floor. Sam now had Dean’s arm gripped tight behind his back, and although Sam could normally never overpower his brother, especially when he was pissed, Dean was so unbelievably drunk he did it easily. Anytime Dean moved his head more than an inch the room spun out of control, but he refused to let his little brother manhandle him or get his way after the day he just had.

"Don't make me kick your ass, Sammy. You...you know I can."

"But you won't."

Dean made an irritated noise and attempted to jerk his arm away from Sam, but it only made Sam tighten his grip more and caused the room to spin around even faster. Dean narrowed his eyes at Sam. "I wouldn't be so sure of that."

"Fine, you can kick my ass once we get back to the motel. I don't feel like bailing you out of jail for getting in a drunk fight."

Dean really did not want to even look at Sam, let alone talk to him but he knew if he could keep Sam talking it would cause him to let his guard down. Dean looked down at the ground, when he didn't say anything, Sam continued to talk.

"Listen Dean, I know you think that those were good memories for me because yours were good, but that's not how it is. I hate myself for every time I’ve ever let you down, or pissed you off.” Sam sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He bit down hard on his lip and let out a deep breath as he added in a quiet voice, “I'm sorry I ever left and-”

All of the anger, betrayal, depression and rage Dean had felt came flooding back to him. Suddenly he got a rush of adrenaline, Dean wanted to punch Sam so bad but knew the way he was feeling at the moment he would not be able to stop. Even though Dean was more angry and hurt than he had ever been, this was Sam and even at his most pissed off, even if he wanted to he could never hate Sam and he never would be able to do that to him, so he waited until Sam was looking down then used all of his strength to twist around and release himself from his brother’s grip then shoved him away hard and headed towards the door.

But Dean was much too drunk to get away. He staggered and swayed as he lunged forward, Sam grabbed Dean's arm and pulled him over to the side. He looked up at Dean and for an instant their eyes met, but Dean quickly looked down. Dean closed his eyes and sucked in a sharp breath, trying not to lose it. He knew better than to look at Sam again because he knew Sam would use the puppy dog eyes, it had always been the one thing to make Dean stop dead in his tracks and instantly give him anything he wanted but not even the saddest puppy eyes would ever make Dean give in this time.

"Please, just come with me. I won't say a-"

"I'm not playing Sam. If I wasn't so fucked up right now I woulda cold cocked your ass before you even knew what hit you."

Sam let go of Dean's arms and threw his hands up, stepping closer to his brother. "Fine, if it'll make you feel better. Have at it. Hit me.”

"Don't fucking get in my face right now. Don’t do that thing where you try to make me the one that’s being a dick to you.”

“I’m not, I’m the one that is a total dick, so…”

Sam closed his eyes and waited, when nothing happened he opened them. Dean’s teeth were clenched, and his hands were at his sides in tight fists. He glanced at Sam and shook his head, Dean was pissed, very pissed, Sam could tell. He had seen his brother pissed off plenty of times but never like this, he also looked like he had given up and that made Sam hate himself even more because Dean never deserved any of the things he had been through in his life, but most of all he didn’t deserve for his brother who he had pretty much raised and made sacrifices all the time for to constantly disappoint him and hurt him more than anything. Seeing the pain in his brother’s eyes made him wish Dean would punch him. Worst of all he could tell Dean no longer gave a single fuck about anything and that scared the hell out of Sam because he knew that Dean did wild and crazy things when he felt that way.  
“I'm really fucking trying not to hit you Sam."

"I told you, just get it over with."

"That's the problem, it's taking everything in me not to hit you because I know once I do..."

"What?"

"I'm not going to be able to stop."

"Just because of today?”

“You know...It isn’t even about a lifetime of being lied to. I really didn't get that pissed when you started having visions and hid it for the longest time from me...then what was it? Oh right, getting addicted to demon blood, and let’s not forget running off with Ruby, still owe you a good ass beating for that. Cuz, you know, you literally beat my ass to get away from me. How about the time you ran away to Flagstaff, and dad beat my ass over it? I'm not even gonna mention Stanford…I still can’t even think about that.”

"Well...I guess I deserve it then. I get it Dean, I’m a shitty, horrible brother. Just please-”

Dean quickly cut Sam off. "You have no idea how much shit I’ve taken from dad for you, how I busted my fucking ass since I was a fucking kid to try and make sure you never knew how bad shit could be and I always tried to give you everything I could…I know it wasn’t really much but I always looked the other way and pretend it didn’t fucking kill me every time you lied to me, every time you hid something or picked everything and everyone else over me. I actually fooled myself into believing right before you left and went to Stanford we were actually getting along better than we ever had.”

“I’m sorry, Dean. I know I will never ever be able to make it up to you or thank you for-”

“I never wanted you to fucking make it up to me or thank me. I wanted you to be my fucking brother.”

“Dean, I’m sorry. And you need to know that Stanford was never about getting away from you, and today when-”

“Yeah well, it was never about you going to Stanford. I’ve always wanted you to have a normal fucking life but I never thought you’d want one without me in it at all. But you left and I got nothing, not so much as a call or…” Dean sucked in a breath and looked down. “Four years, Sam. Four fucking years and you never…”

"Dean, I know I fucked up and I-”

"But it's the fucking point that those were the best damn parts of your life, maybe not for what they were but for the point that it was about getting away from me. That's it isn't it? Well, you got it Sam, because I'm fucking done. You know, every single day I spent in hell for you the only thing that got me though those four months that felt like forty fucking years was the fact that I was doing it for my brother and…" Dean's voice cracked and he was done, he didn’t know why he was telling Sam any of this in the first place, and if he wasn’t so drunk and being pinned against the wall at the moment he never would have said a word.

Dean turned and punched the wall as hard as he could, then pushed past Sam and took off walking. Dean always had rage issues and keeping his emotions in check, but once he started letting them out it was like a floodgate opening up and he no longer had any control. As much as he wanted to hit his brother Dean knew he was going to regret it, because no matter how much Sam hurt him he would never able to do anything to hurt Sam. Dean had to get out of the damn bar, as much as he hated to admit that Sam was right, he was. At least about one thing, Dean would get in a fight and get arrested if anyone pissed him off.

By the time Sam made it outside, Dean was nowhere in sight. Surprisingly the Impala was still there, Sam wondered why he had not taken it. He suddenly realized he needed to get back to the motel in case Dean was headed there to get his things, he could not let him leave because he knew once Dean left town it was going to be nearly impossible to find him.

When Sam got back to the motel, Dean wasn't there but all of his things still were. He waited up all night, before finally drifting off to sleep around five in the morning. Sam had no idea what the hell he was going to do but he knew he had to figure it out quick because he needed Dean as much as he knew Dean needed him and he could not let his brother make the mistake of walking away like he had stupidly done so many times before.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Dean woke up and blinked several times, unsure of why he was in a room with lacy curtains and pink satin sheets. He vaguely remembered the night before. Lots of whiskey and arguing with Sam, then even more alcohol, some weed and lots of sex.

"Hey sleepyhead, didn't think you'd ever get up."

Dean looked up to see the bartender from the night before. She held out a cup of coffee, when Dean sat up, he got a sharp pain in his head and laid his head back down against the pillow. He wanted to leave, but had no idea where the hell he was going to go. He slowly sat up and took a few drinks then slowly stood. As he was about to get dressed, she stepped in front of him and pushed him back down on the bed, straddling his lap.

"You weren't thinking of going back on your promise, were you?”

Dean wondered what the hell he had agreed to, she saw he was clearly confused so she sighed.

"After we got some rest and sobered up a little you said we could have more amazing kinky sex. You know, keep your mind off of Sam."

She slid her hand down his chest then leaned in and kissed him. He pulled back and muttered, "Uh...right. Yeah...um…"

"You've got to be hungover as hell. I almost forgot, hang on."

As soon as she left the room Dean jumped up. He needed to get out of there, his eyes fell on her purse. He reached inside and luckily found her wallet right away, he pulled it out and glanced at the name on her driver’s license then threw it back in because he could hear her coming down the hall.

She handed him a handful of white oval tablets, he looked up. "Vicodin?"

When she nodded he grinned and took three, then pulled out a pack of cigarettes, removed the cellophane and put the rest inside. She was rolling up a joint and glanced up.

"I can't get the Oxys for another hour, but you could hold up your end of the bargain until then."

"Uh..."

"You don't remember."

Dean bit his lip and shook his head.

"Do you even remember my name?"

Hell no he didn't, but Dean had been through this hundreds of times and he learned even though he never wanted anything to do with the girls, they were adamant about him remembering their name. Most of the time he wouldn’t give a fuck and just leave, but he definitely was sticking around if she was getting him OxyContins and maybe he could score a little more weed since he had only been able to get a few joints worth the night before.

"Of course I do, Amanda."

She looked at him with a raised eyebrow, Dean wondered if it was a fake ID and realized maybe she just went by a nickname. "So, uh...Mandy...remind me again what the deal was.”

She seemed satisfied with the name and Dean breathed a sigh of relief as she sat back down on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him then pulling her shirt off. “How about I just show you…”

 

 

 

Sam was desperate, he had no idea what to do to get through to Dean. They might have had fights before, but Dean usually cooled off by the next day, always able to pretend whatever it was that came between them never happened. Sam had messed up pretty big and Dean had always looked the other way, he needed Sam as much as Sam needed him, maybe even more. Sam knew this time was different, he knew it was far worse in Dean’s mind to think Sam actually wanted him out of his life than anything that he had ever been through. Sam had to convince Dean that what he saw in Heaven really was not how he felt, it was not about getting away from his brother, at least not for the reasons Dean thought.

Sam knew he would never be able to do this alone, there was only one thing that would get through to him at the moment and it definitely was not himself, so Sam called for Cas saying he really needed his help. A few minutes later Cas appeared, he appeared to be drunk and was leaning up against the wall.

"What is it, Sam? I'm not really in the best…state of mind and I'm sure I'll be of no help to you."

"Cas, please. It's Dean..."

Cas's eyes flickered to Sam's. Sam knew the angel always had a soft spot for his brother, and Sam had long ago given up on any remote attraction he had toward his brother figuring he and Castiel had been secretly hooking up all these years.

"I'm really worried about him, have you seen him? Um...I uh...I mean, were you two together last night?"

After the major disappointment of discovering that God gave about as much of a fuck as Sam and Dean’s own father, Cas had been drinking his way through liquor stores all over the country but when he saw how upset Sam was he pulled himself together. He realized Dean was not in the room, and wondered what had happened between the two of them. He was suddenly worried that something had happened to Dean. He tried to focus, but was thrown off by Sam’s question.

Cas's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. "No, why would we have been?"

Sam sighed, he wished sometimes that Castiel wasn't so clueless. "Listen...I know you and my brother have this… _thing_  between you..."

"As do you and I, Sam."

Sam looked up at Cas, clearly confused.

Cas saw that Sam did not understand what he meant. He sighed, sometimes humans were so slow when it came to understanding what was really going on. Cas knew that both Sam and Dean had feelings for each other and he often found himself struggling to get them to stop being stubborn and just express their true feelings but usually he had this problem with Dean, not Sam. "We are friends as well, are we not?'

"Well, yeah. Of course. But I mean you and Dean...you know, when it's just the two of you...alone…"

"I'm not following. The only times I have been around Dean without you…you knew about. But Dean and I have not been alone since we went after Famine."

Sam knew if he beat around the bush Castiel would never catch on, he had to just be blunt and ask him straight out if he had feelings for Dean and if he and Dean were messing around. Sam took a deep breath and as he started talking he felt his face flush a deep red. "Look, I'm just going to come out and ask. Are you in love with my brother, or um, do you guys just hook up?"

Castiel's eyes widened. "Dean and I will always share a special bond, just not the kind of bond you think. When I rescued him from hell, we became connected and always will be. Then when he helped me to realize that I should think for myself and not just be an obedient servant of Heaven, that the only thing that did for me was take away all free will, we became closer. But Dean and I are friends, we will never be more. I...I would never come between what you and he share, or both desire to anyway."

Sam sat down hard on the edge of the bed. "W-what do you mean?"

"Sam, I'm an angel of the Lord. I don’t experience emotions like the love you and Dean have for each other. I know what you both think, I've seen how you look at each other, how you treat each other and most of all I know that your love for one another runs deep, deeper than any relationship I have ever encountered. I also know you both bury and hide your true feelings, you both have more than brotherly love, you’re in love with each other."

Sam didn't say a word, he had no idea how to even respond to that. Cas let it sink in for a few minutes and waited for Sam to respond, but when he didn't, Castiel continued, "I know you still feel that Dean felt that way toward me but hid his feelings, or that he and I were sneaking around and pretending nothing was there, but there honestly is nothing there. Dean has no feelings toward me. I am simply a place holder for you when he needs someone to defer his feelings to, such as after um...after the whole..." Cas paused and looked down, finishing in a low voice, "The um, demon blood incident and...Ruby."

"Cas...I don't even know what to say. I..."

Sam ran his hand through this hair, he had lied to himself for decades, telling himself he was not in love with his brother. He made himself believe he just was going through a 'worship your older brother' phase as a teenager, or that it was just his raging teenage hormones being around Dean all the time and being attracted to him because Dean was so hot. But every day his multitude of lies cracked, because every day he spent with Dean he could see that he was in love with Dean and the attraction did nothing but grow stronger. Sam knew that Dean loved him more than anything but Sam felt that Dean only loved him like a best friend and a brother but nothing more. Sam had always done stupid idiotic things to get over his feelings, because whenever he tried to ignore them they came back the instant he took one look at him or when Dean did something for him, and Dean had constantly given everything up for him, he stopped at nothing to keep him safe and happy but he knew it was because Sam was his brother and really he had nothing else. It always made him feel like he was a complete moron to think that there was even a remote possibility he would ever love him the way he wanted, but Dean’s love for him was the best thing in the world to him and he absolutely hated himself for constantly hurting him and running away.

"Even if I do...have feelings for Dean, it doesn't matter. He doesn't feel that way about me, Cas. He never has, and even if there was a remote possibility he did, I blew every chance I ever had ages ago."

"It's true, Sam, Dean loves you. I don't know why both you and your brother insist on being the absolute most stubborn humans in all of creation." Cas sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He looked at Sam, praying that he would listen to him and not be as stubborn as his brother often was. “Dean has loved you and only you his entire life, since he was sixteen or seventeen years old he has always wanted it to be more."

Sam put his head in his hands, he couldn’t even let himself feel a shred of happiness that Dean had felt the same, because everything he had done to make him forget the feelings he was sure Dean did not share only had driven Dean away. As much as Sam wanted to find Dean and finally tell him how he felt, he knew Dean was not going to listen to him right now and Sam was more worried about his wellbeing at the moment than anything else because he knew Dean was more depressed than he had ever been and he knew what would happen if he didn’t stop him. He couldn’t lose Dean, even if they never admitted their feelings to each other, he had find his brother because he could live with Dean not being in love with him, he could even live with Dean hating him but he could not live with Dean taking his own life, whether it was in the form of saying yes to Michael or drinking and doing so many drugs he ended up killing himself.

"Cas, I've gotta find him. I’m scared, he’s gonna end up…"

Cas knew where Sam was going, he heard his thoughts loud and clear and he wasn’t about to wait around for Sam to actually say it. He disappeared in a flutter of wind to go find Dean. Sam let out a long deep breath and stood up, he paced around the room then plopped back down on the bed as he tried not to think about all of the things that Dean was most likely doing to keep his mind off of the day before.

A minute later, Castiel appeared again, his face beet red. "He's um....a few blocks away."

“What? Where?”

"Um...uh... at a...a w-woman's apartment."

"Oh," Sam factored in the look on Cas's face and put two and two together. "He's um...not hanging out watching TV I take it."

Castiel slowly shook his head, looking down at the ground like he had just been caught watching a porno, and Sam was pretty sure it was pretty close to what he had seen. Sam was a little relieved that he wasn’t being reckless, he had spent his entire life watching Dean hook up with countless girls so it had gotten to a point where he realized he only hooked up with them as a release or an escape from other things.

"Wait, I thought because of the marks on our ribs you couldn't find us."

"I searched the whole town."

"Oh, but you were only gone a minute."

"I know, it took me a long time but I uh...um, was trying to figure out what he was planning on doing next."

"And?"

“I get the feeling that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do next, but his emotions are all over the place, blocking me…sort of overwhelming everything and I cannot really tap into his thoughts.”

Sam got up and put his jacket on, Cas scrunched his eyebrows together and looked at Sam. "Where are you going?"

"I've gotta catch him before he leaves, if I don't he'll be gone and I'll never be able to find him."

"I...doubt he's going anywhere for a while. He's um.. _.busy_."

"Yeah, but Dean doesn't stick around after sex. I'm sure he will be leaving soon. Where's he at?"

"Sam, I don't think it would be a good idea for you to confront him right now, Dean seems...angry. But you know how he is, give him some time to cool off and-"

Sam shook his head. “It’s different this time, Cas. He-”

Sam knew Dean was pissed, but that was nothing new. He always had a short temper and most of the time took off to cool down, either getting drunk, high or having sex. All three if he was really pissed off. But Sam knew this time it wasn't going to be easy, he knew he was not just angry, he was also hurt and it wasn’t like Sam had just let him down, thinking Sam wanted to get away from him and it being the best thing to happen to him had completely wrecked Dean. Sam saw it in his eyes the night before and it killed him, and if he felt that way just by looking at the pain in Dean’s eyes he could not imagine how Dean felt.

"I...I've gotta try, Cas. I can't lose him. I know I fucked up so many times I don't deserve another chance but this time, it isn't what he thinks and he has to know that I...that I need him and if he leaves…”

Sam felt his eyes watering, he sat back down on the bed and put his head in his hands. He felt Cas’s hand on his shoulder but didn’t look up.

"I'll go talk to him. I think it would be best if you wait until he has had time to settle down. I don’t want him to do or say something he’s going to later regret. I give you my word I will do what it takes to get through to him, you two need to stop…pretending nothing is there and avoiding what would finally make both of you truly happy.”

"But-"

Sam sighed as Cas disappeared without another word.

 

 

Dean lit a cigarette, slowly taking a hit and trying to figure out what the hell he should do next. He really didn't want to be around anyone, but he was getting all kinds of good drugs to help him keep his mind off of his brother, and everything else. He figured he would hang out and get high, plus he would never turn down sex, and Mandy seemed to love sex just as much as him because they had sex at least five times, possibly more, Dean had been so drunk the night before he was sure they did it even more, considering they had sex three times since he woke up.

Not even a full minute after he finished his cigarette Mandy was climbing in his lap, kissing on him and grinding against his growing erection. Dean was considering just leaving but figured he could get off a few more times but then he needed to hit the road and put as many miles between him and his brother as possible, plus they had a half hour until she was meeting up with her friend to get Dean's drugs. After she got the pills and weed he wanted, Dean was ready to get the hell out of there.

She was already on her knees starting to blow him for the second time since Dean had gotten up, he was so high he had barely even thought of his brother. Every time he did, he quickly tried concentrating on sex, but he just wasn’t that into it, he had never been completely satisfied but he’d have to learn to live with it because he knew he would never get the one and only thing that he truly wanted. Dean’s hand was gripping her hair tight, he bit down on his lip as she started taking more of his cock in her mouth. When he looked down and his eyes met hers, he noticed they were hazel. Not the beautiful shade of hazel that his brother’s eyes were, his mind automatically thought about the range of colors Sam’s eyes always changed to. He cursed himself and closed his eyes, thrusting into her mouth but he could not get his mind off of Sam, which made him think of the day before.

Dean pulled her off before he got too pissed and choked her, he pulled her onto he bed, figuring it was better to take his anger out ramming his cock in her rather than down her throat because when he got pissed he got rough. She seemed to like it so he fucked her hard and rough until she got the call that he had been dying for since he woke up.

Dean gave her the money and she went downstairs to make the trade. As he was getting dressed, she came up and ran her hand down his chest, leaning in she kissed him then told him it sucked he was leaving, that he could crash a few days if he wanted. Dean had been with more girls than he would ever remember being with, and a majority of them often tried to convince him to stick around or at the very least tried to hook up with him again but he never was the least bit attracted to a single one of them.

Dean wondered just how much he had told her the night before. He had obviously said he was fighting with his brother because she mentioned Sam a few times, but stopped when she realized how pissed he got when she did.

"Nah, I've gotta get the fuck out of town. Don't need my brother on my ass."

"Make it work Dean. I know I don't know you, or what your brother did to you...but he is your brother, and I can tell you really do care about him by the way you talked about him last night."

Dean had been rolling joints so he would not have to stop and do it later. As he finished rolling the last one, he looked up at her like she was crazy. Dean took out an OxyContin, he crushed it then snorted half of it, putting the other half in a baggie for later. He got his Zippo out and carefully dried the joint he had just licked closed, then put them all in an empty cigarette pack and stood up. He got up, grabbed his coat and put it on.

"You're right...you don't know me, or him and...what he did, I can't..." Dean sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Anyway, thanks for hooking me up with all the green and shit...and uh, everything else but I've gotta go."

Mandy nodded and kissed Dean. "I know you said you don't do repeat performances, but you know...any time you're in the area..."

Dean smirked but nodded, he was ready to get on the road and away from Sam and everyone else on the planet. He was walking out of Mandy's house, sniffing and pinching his nose as he inhaled sharply because the pill he had just snorted was making his nose run. He felt a rush of energy and an almost euphoric feeling. He wouldn't call it happy really, it was more mind numbing and just enough to make him not give a fuck about a damn thing.  

As soon as Dean got down the sidewalk he heard the familiar woosh and felt a breeze, he didn't need to turn around to know Cas was standing behind him.

"I don't want to hear it, Cas. Not in the mood right now."

"Fine. You talk, I'll listen.”

Dean turned around, he looked at Cas for a moment, then shook his head and continued walking down the street.

"Don't wanna talk, nothing to talk about."

"Where are you going?"

"Hell if I know."

"Don't you at least want your Impala?"

Dean shrugged. "Nah. Sam can have it, maybe it'll make him feel how I felt every time I had to sit in the motherfucker without him next to me."

"Thought it was your Baby."

Dean stopped and looked at Cas. Cas could see his jaw subtly clenching as Dean replied, "Honestly, I really don't give a fuck about anything anymore. I certainly don't need a constant reminder of my shit life and how it was all one big fucking lie."

Cas put two fingers up to Dean's forehead, but Dean ducked and tried slapping his hand away. "Don't Cas, don't you fucking dare take me to see Sam. I don't want to see him and I don't want you getting in the middle of this."

"I just want to talk to you, Dean. Alone."

Dean backed up a safe distance where Cas could not reach him. "Whatever you have to say, say it."

Dean pulled out a pack of cigarettes, he took one out and lit it, ignoring Cas's questioning look.

"I'm worried about you, Dean."

"Well, don't waste your time. No one else apparently ever has."

"There are plenty of people who worry about you, and care about you."

Dean muttered something under his breath but decided he didn't want to get into it, he had a good buzz going and Cas tended to be almost as big of a buzzkill as Sam. Dean was starving, he had no idea when he had eaten last, and the weed was making it even worse.

Dean put the cigarette up to his lips, took a long hit then started walking. Cas hurried to keep up, Dean had more energy than he had in ages from the drugs pumping through his system. He liked it, it gave him something to distract him away from the pain. Dean wondered why he had ever stopped doing them in the first place. It was because of his brother but now that he knew he had wasted his time trying to stay sober for his sake he was planning on living it up, not giving a fuck about anything or anyone. He would most likely have to spend his time high out of his mind, but he had been hustling since before he was old enough to even know what he was doing so he would be able to stay as high as he wanted. 

When Dean got to the corner he turned toward the main street in town. Cas was still right behind him, Dean walked up the block until he saw a diner. He stopped and sighed, glancing at Cas as he debated on going in or hearing Cas out. He knew that most likely Cas would try to convince him to talk to Sam and he didn’t want to let his anger for what was going on between him and Sam be put on Cas.

"Look, I'm fucking starving. I really don't want to talk about anything or be around anyone..."

"Dean, after all the things we've been through you could at least let me sit with you while you eat and talk to me."

Dean took one last drag off of his cigarette, flicked it across the parking lot and paused by the door to the diner. Dean was in such a bad mood he wanted to just ignore Cas and go inside but the drugs were keeping him calm enough to deal with him, although it was starting to wear off. Cas had never let him down and always been there for him. Dean knew he had given a lot to help him, he couldn't just blow him off. As long as Cas didn’t try to convince him to talk to Sam, he figured he could give him a few minutes, but not much longer because not only was he starving he just wanted to be alone.

"Look, you say one word about my brother...I'm gone. Don't ask me how I'm doing or try to sit there and psychoanalyze me."

Cas wasn’t really sure what to do, he wanted to convince Dean to work things out with Sam but he knew enough about Dean to know that he had to be careful about what he said. Despite what Dean thought about himself, he was actually highly intelligent and he had an almost sixth sense when it came to reading people and he had to do his best to earn Dean’s trust about the whole situation and assure him that he was being honest with him.

Cas was extremely worried about Dean going down a dangerous road, he was obviously drunk and high, but Cas was even more worried about him harming himself or worse. Cas knew he had to have patience, something Dean had little to none of. It was going to take more than a half hour sit down to convince him because Dean was eternally stubborn, and he knew if he took him to see Sam that Dean would most likely say or do something he would later regret.

"I promise not to say a word about Sam, if you promise me one thing."

Dean ran his hand through his hair, looked at Cas and sighed. "What?"

Cas looked into Dean’s eyes, holding his gaze. His face and tone completely serious. "Don't do anything stupid."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Too late, everything I do is stupid."

"Dean. You know what I mean."

Dean smirked, "Don't have sex with a bunch of strippers or talk to strangers?”

"I mean…” Cas sighed and in a lower voice continued, “Don’t hurt yourself.

"I'm already dead inside, wouldn't really matter."

Cas gently put a hand on Dean's arm and pulled him over to the side, sitting down on a bench, tugging on Dean's arm until he sat down.

"Cas..."

Cas looked at Dean, his face even more serious than usual. "I know you've been through hell your entire life, and that sometimes it was worse than actually being in Hell. You've been here so many times, but...I..."

Cas paused, he had almost mentioned Sam but caught himself. He also was having trouble putting into words why Dean was no ordinary human, why he mattered even more than most humans ever would. Cas never had trouble expressing his thoughts or feelings, but Dean was like nothing he had ever experienced. Although he was quick tempered, stubborn as hell and did not hesitate to speak his mind or start a fight, he really never deserved to be put through the things he had, and despite every single thing Dean had been put through he was one of the most amazing human beings Cas had ever encountered. Cas respected Dean more than he had ever respected anyone, even most angels, because Dean always remained loyal, he was selfless and unlike Cas’s own brothers, Dean had always put his own brother above all else. He also had saved countless lives and did so without ever getting anything in return, losing every person he had ever loved or cared about but there was no way no way in hell he would let him lose Sam too.

Dean went to get up, he was so not in the mood for this but as pissed as he was at the world it wasn't Cas's fault and he was really the only one left who he could reply on.

“Cas, please, not now.”

“Dean…” Cas looked down and sighed, he knew Dean was not going to be in the mood to talk and he knew he probably never would be. "Promise me you won't kill yourself, or say yes to Michael and I'll leave if you want me to. But you have to also promise you will pray to me when you're ready to talk, or if you are considering anything stupid."

"That's more than one promise, Cas." Dean smirked but knew Cas wasn't amused. "Look, I'm not gonna kill myself, ok? I don't want to spend an eternity back in the pit, and I sure as hell do not want to go to Heaven either. You know how I feel about angels...angels that aren't you. Stop worrying. I just want to be alone, away from Sam and as soon as I eat I'm off, don't know where but I just need to go."

Cas knew Dean even talking to him was a miracle and he also knew that although Dean never really talked about feelings he never lied. Cas was still worried that Dean could spiral into an even worse depression than he was already in, but he felt fractionally better that at the moment Dean would not try anything stupid, now he just was concerned about the excessive drinking and other self-destructive behavior he knew Dean would engage in.

 "Will you check in with me tomorrow?"

Dean stood up, making an irritated noise. "C'mon Cas, don't you trust me? Damn it. I'm not Sam, I don't fucking lie, not to you, not to anyone. If I say I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it. I don't want him to know where I am, so I can't have you knowing."

"I would never betray your trust, Dean."

"Yeah, but Sam would figure out a way to trick it out of you. It's him I don't trust."

Dean felt his phone vibrate, he looked at the screen and rolled his eyes then handed the phone to Cas. "Here, I don't need that son of a bitch calling me every three seconds, or trying to track me with this."

When Cas didn't take the phone, Dean tossed it in his lap and headed back toward the door. Cas was desperately trying to come up with ways to see Dean again. He had thought for sure Dean would want his Impala, but maybe he would want some of his other things.

"Don't you want your things?"

Dean shrugged. "I dunno, I do but... I can deal with nothing. I've hustled my whole life and I can get by."

"I could get what you need, then bring it back to you."

Dean thought for a moment then shook his head. "Nah, I don't trust Sam. I'm sure he rigged everything with GPS or something. I'm fine." Dean turned back around, his face softened for a second. "Listen, Cas. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of this. For what it's worth, you're all I've got and..." Dean took a breath, he really hated saying things like this but he knew he was being sort of a dick, his euphoric high was making him suddenly willing to say things he normally never would. "Thanks for caring. Not that it makes me feel better about any of this...but it's something. At least you aren't trying to convince me to talk to Sam and, um...Thanks."

Cas nodded, a slight smile creeping across his face. He knew it took a lot for Dean to say the things he had said, but he wished Dean would talk to him more so he could figure out what was going on and why he was leaving, because Sam had not given him any details. He figured it had to be something pretty bad for Dean to leave because he knew that Dean had spent his entire life making sacrifices and dealing with anything that came along, no matter how difficult.

 "I trust your word Dean...will you give it to me and promise that you will not do the things I asked?"

Dean rolled his eyes but Cas saw the corner of his mouth turn up slightly. "Yeah yeah. I'll think about calling you sometime, angel. Just do me a favor in return and keep my brother off my ass."

"Dean..."

"What?"

"Never mind. But you know as well as I do that Sam will stop at nothing to make you realize what you truly mean to him."

Dean opened the door to the diner, took a step in then looked back at Cas one last time. "Oh, I know what I mean to him. Nothing."

Cas opened his mouth to protest, but Dean was already inside. Cas sighed and went back to the motel.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Sam looked up from his phone, he had just left Dean a voicemail for what had to be the sixtieth time since Dean had stormed off the night before but he knew he had not listened to any of them. He was in the middle of sending yet another text when Cas appeared next to him. He sat down and slid Dean's phone over to Sam.

Sam picked the phone up and scrolled through the messages, they were all still marked as unread. He saw there were numbers he did not recognize on the screen. He wondered if he would be able to find anything out from any of them, but he knew Dean when he got like this. It was this reason he was more worried about getting Dean back to stop him from the self-destructive behavior he knew Dean went through every time they had been in situations like this. Sam had watched it happen with their dad, the time he ran away and when he was at Stanford. Sam knew exactly what Dean was doing, he knew he no longer gave a fuck. Not that Dean really did anymore, he had been through too much and his life had gotten to the point where the only thing he cared about was Sam but now that he thought Sam wanted nothing to do with him, he was surely spiraling into the deepest depression of his life. Without Sam, Dean had no inhibitions. He would be smoking and drinking constantly, having sex like it was going out of style, and probably doing drugs. It scared the hell out of Sam, but most of all he worried he would hurt himself or say yes to Michael.

Sam knew it wasn't really Dean's fault, ever since Dean was four years old their father had put unrealistic expectations on him, not only relying on him to take care of himself and Sam, but also train and hunt, gradually making him give up more and more. Dean came to have the mentality of a warrior, it was hardwired into his brain to never show weakness or emotion, to always give everything he could to stop every evil threat there was and above all else to always protect and watch out for Sam.

Sam knew he had messed up a lot in the past, but it was never about getting away from Dean, it was their dad. How he treated them both and what he was changing his brother into. Sam knew going to Stanford had killed Dean, he hated himself to this day for doing it and still had no idea why he had done it in the first place. At the time his dad was making Dean hunt nonstop, he never saw him and when he did the only thing he could think about was how desperately he wanted to be with Dean, and he had stupidly figured if he could get away from Dean for a while then maybe he would get over his feelings for him.

"Sam..." Cas wasn't sure what to say. He did not want to give Sam false hope, he knew he had to be completely honest with him.

"Is he...um...ok?"

Cas bit down on his lip. He knew Dean was far from ok. He also knew Dean would never truly be alright but the closest thing he would ever have to happiness was sitting a few feet away from him. He had to get them back together. They were meant to be together, he knew as well as all angels did that Sam and Dean were far more than brothers, they truly were soul mates, which was another reason they were sought after for Michael and Lucifer's vessels. They had the bloodline, but any one from the bloodline would have been able to be used as a vessel, but the true vessels were soul mates, it made the angel even more powerful, and which ever angel was victorious in the battle of Armageddon would only be able to take the other's power and grace if the vessel was his own vessel's true soul mate.

"Honestly, I don't think he will be until the two of you work this out. And I do not mean go back to the way things were, I mean give in to your desires and feelings, truly be what you were meant to."

"Wait, you don't mean..."

"No, Sam. Not being an angel vessel that is the last thing you two should do. Never give in. I mean...be together."

"Cas...I..." Sam had long ago given up on the notion that he could have even the most microscopic of all chances to be with Dean. He knew the odds of Dean returning any feelings were significantly less. Sam looked up at Cas and sighed. "I know earlier you said…But Dean would never feel that way...even if he ever did he never will again."

Cas shifted in his seat, he wondered if it would be easier to somehow use his powers to zap some sense into the brothers. "Dean has always loved you Sam. He-"

"He's my brother, Cas." Sam interrupted, "Of course he loves, or... _loved_  me."

Cas was ready to lose his mind, he had never in his existence met two people as stubborn and self-loathing as the Winchesters. If they would just be honest with each other their lives would be so much easier. He was not about to get into the details of them being soul mates. "Dean is in love with you. He has never been attracted to or truly desired anyone but you. Even when he is..." Cas cleared his throat, face flushing. "Even when he has sexual encounters...it is you he thinks about or wants to be with."

Sam ran his hand through his hair, he had thought when Cas had said earlier that Dean loved him he was mistaken or exaggerating. But Cas seemed adamant, like he was positive of the way Dean felt.

"Sam, what happened yesterday? Why is he so angry?"

Sam put his face in his hands. He had no idea Dean felt that way about him, and he was positive that he had totally ruined any chance of being with him. But as much as he desperately wanted to be with his brother, it was far more important that Dean was safe. If Dean truly felt the same, then he had to be beyond hurt, it was probably killing him to think that Sam felt the way it had seemed he did when they were in Heaven.

Cas gave Sam a few minutes, he stood up and walked over to Dean's bag. He opened it up and moved things around until he found the bottle of whiskey Dean had hidden in there. He set the bottle in front of Sam. Sam looked up at Cas with a weak smile. "I'm sorry Cas, I'm sure you have much better things to do than this."

"Actually...I don't. I have nothing to do anymore. I no longer want to be a part of a Heaven that no longer serves its true purpose, or to be servant to a God who could not care less.” Cas watched Sam drink several large sips then set the bottle down on the table. "Tell me."

"Well...there were the memories we had to go through...like flashbacks of our lives. Some were Dean’s and some were mine…"

Cas's eyebrows mashed together. Normally Heaven was a place where a soul lived out eternity in its former life’s happiest memory, never more than one and even though soul mates rarely were sometimes lucky enough to be together, if they were it was in a memory shared between them.

"What kind of memories? Could you see even memories you were not a part of?"

Sam nodded. "Well...Dean thinks since his memories were ones that were good, like the time he and I had an awesome Fourth of July for once, a time with mom, and a few when we were kids....." Sam trailed off and took a drink of whiskey. "But mine..." His voice cracked, he cleared his throat and looked up at Cas, eyes rimmed with tears. "They really were the worst parts of my life. They were about getting away from our dad…but…"

"No bad memory is supposed to make it to Heaven. Did you see anyone else there?"

Sam nodded. "Before we made it to see Joshua we saw Ash and Pamela...Then Zachariah, our mom was with him but I don't think it was her because of what she said."

Cas swore under his breath and stood up. "It most certainly was not your mother. I knew something was not right with any of this...Zachariah manipulated things so you two would fight, he wants to drive your brother to say yes."

“Shit! Cas, we have to…Dean can’t say yes.”

“He gave me his word that he wouldn’t.” Cas saw Sam look at him like he was insane. “I trust him, for now, but…you two need to work things out so that he has a reason to never say yes.”

“How? He thinks…he pretty much thinks that I hate him and wanted nothing but to get away from him.”

"I have an idea, we might not be able to make him forget about the past but we need to get Dean to realize what your true intentions were, and also that those memories were far from what your Heaven would be. I can do a spell where I can tap into your mind and transfer thoughts to Dean, if I can get all of the ingredients."

"What do you need?"

"Your blood, a few very special, very rare items I will have to track down from all over the world. I’ll need a little bit of time to track them down.”

"Will it work?"

“I truly think that if Dean knows the truth he will get past everything else that has ever happened between you and him because more than anything Dean wants to be with you. I just hope I can find everything I need before….”

“Before…?” Sam saw Cas’s expression and nodded. “Right. What should I do?”

“Do some research, try and track your brother’s whereabouts. You know him better than he knows himself, you know his habits, even when he is trying to be completely untraceable you know how his mind works.”

Sam nodded. He knew that Dean was going to do everything possible to not be found, but he knew that Dean was in the area and could not have gotten too far. No matter how desperate Dean was to get away Sam knew that he would never again set foot on an airplane so Sam had a slim chance of catching up to him but he had to move fast.

“Thanks, Cas.”

“I care about both of you, you are the only true friends I have. I want nothing more than for you two to finally be happy.” Cas turned to go then paused. “Um…remember, I think it would be best if you…avoided the urge to go find him yourself. I don’t have to read your mind to know you’ve thought of it several times already. Call me when you figure something out.”

 

Sam knew he had to move quick if he had any hope at all of trying to find Dean. Dean was going to do everything possible to cover his tracks and try to be unpredictable so Sam wouldn't be able to find him. Sam may know Dean well, better than Dean knew himself but when it came to making himself disappear Dean would be able to make it happen because he was a master at deception because he had been brought up to execute it with perfection and never leave a trace of himself behind. Their father made sure by the time Dean was ten he would be able to survive on his own at all costs, even hustling up money and scamming credit cards.

Dean was also extremely good at making people think he was whatever he was pretending to be for whatever he needed or case he was working on, all while remaining cool enough to convince even police that he was a fed or cop. Dean had always been able to think quick and make snap decisions in an instant, he was the king of bullshitting and could make you believe literally anything, he was extremely street smart and there was just something about him that made you trust and instantly like him, and Dean could also talk his way out of any situation, and because of his charm and good looks he could always just flirt as a last desperate attempt, although he never flirted with a man other than occasionally flirting playfully with Sam.

Dean knew how to travel the country undetected, even with no resources at all Dean could make it on his own. He always had to make things work with what little he had, and he knew exactly how to get anything we would need and never get caught. Dean hotwired his first car before he reached double digits and had been driving since he was ridiculously young so he could take turns with their father, or play chauffeur when he had too much to drink. Although Dean taught Sam everything Sam knew about tracking people Dean never taught him everything he himself knew, and Sam wondered if it was for a situation like this, having an edge so even Sam would not to be able to find him.

Sam looked up the nearest liquor stores, there were only three in town, and each of them was near an exit Dean could have taken and Sam knew without a doubt Dean would have hit up a liquor store to stock up. He needed to see if anyone saw him and hopefully would have noticed the car he was in because there was no question that Dean had already stolen a car. He knew he would find one no one would miss right away, at a savage yard or someplace where there were cars stored like an impound lot, maybe even finding a car not running and quickly fixing it. He knew Dean did this not only so he could be out of town before it was even discovered it was gone but also because if he stole something that was reported stolen right away Sam would know immediately. Sam knew every type of car Dean would drive and ones he would never ever take even if it meant walking or even hitchhiking to find a better one.

As soon as he had everything packed up he got his fed suit on. Dean had left pretty much everything, Sam knew the only things he had on him were his Colt 1911, two other phones that he had most likely already ditched so he could not be traced, several switchblades, knives and blades, a 9mm he kept as a backup and his wallet full of money, fake credit cards, ID’s and badges, but Dean would never use any credit cards now and he was going to use aliases Sam would not think of. Sam wasn’t sure exactly how much money he had on him, he liked to keep several thousand but he had most likely blown a majority of it on alcohol and drugs, so Sam knew he would also be stopping at bars not only to get drunk but to keep his supply of money up hustling pool or poker.

He had no luck at the first two liquor stores, but caught a break at the third. Sam showed the clerk a picture of Dean, he remembered selling him two bottles of whiskey, a pack of cigarettes and rolling papers. Sam knew Dean would be smoking weed but he didn't expect him to start right away, usually it took him a few days to get to the point where he was so depressed he started getting high, he just prayed he wasn’t getting into any of the hard stuff. When Sam asked if he had seen what kind of car he was driving, he said no. Sam was just about to walk out when the clerk suddenly remembered he had seen him talking to a guy named Quez. Sam asked him why that was relevant and when the clerk told him that Quez was a drug dealer that frequented the area he questioned him until he had a description and a vague idea of the areas he hung out at. Sam went to an ATM and maxed out two of his cards on withdrawals then went to get ready so he could to try and find him

Ten minutes later, Sam pulled up to a corner the clerk had told him was Quez’s favorite spot to try and sell to the neighborhood kids. Sam was barely there two minutes when he saw a guy fitting Quez’s description walk up and lean against a pole. Sam had changed into normal clothes and was going to do whatever it took to get information on his brother. Sam got out of the Impala and approached him. Quez looked up and saw Sam, narrowed his eyes and stood up.

"You a snitch...or a cop?"

"Neither."

“Yeah?”

“Looking for someone.”

"What you lookin for? Wanna buy some green?"

"I'm looking for a guy you sold some to earlier."

Sam showed Quez a picture of Dean, he saw a slight hint of recognition in his bloodshot eyes. Sam knew he remembered him, but he also knew he was going to play dumb and try to hustle him. He didn’t care what it cost to find Dean, and it was hustled money anyway so it wasn’t like he couldn’t get more.

"I sold to lots of guys today. Don't think I remember him."

Sam pulled out a fifty, Quez raised an eyebrow and hesitated. "Sure you're not a fed? You got the look."

"I could really give a shit what you're doing or selling. I just need to find him."

"You got beef with him or something?"

"No, just need to find him.”

"Yeah, he was pretty fired up, probably be able to take even your big tall ass out with one punch. Especially after he snorted that pill."

“What kind of pills you sell him?”

He shook his head, “Nah, I don’t fuck with pills. Had that before he even rolled up on me.”

"You sell him anything?"

"Can't say..."

"Why?"

"Don't know if you're wearin' a wire."

Sam handed him another fifty and pulled his shirt up to show him he wasn't a snitch. Quez held the fifty up to make sure it was real then nodded.

"Alright, yeah I remember him. He gave me one of his oxys so I smoked a joint with him, he seemed to like the green so he bought an ounce. When he asked if I could get anything better I told him to meet me in an hour and I'd get him an eight ball."

"Cocaine?"

"Yeah."

"Did he come back for it?"

"Mmm hmm."

Sam sighed. He was getting nowhere and could tell it was going to cost him to get any real information so he pulled out a hundred dollar bill.

"Tell me what he was driving and where he went and I'll give you enough to stay high the rest of the week."

"No shit? You in love with this guy or what?"

"Something like that."

"Must be sweatin' him pretty bad to put out couple hundred just to find out what he was drivin’." Quez grinned, he knew Sam was desperate and wanted to see just how much he was willing to pay. "It's kinda fuzzy...we got pretty high and….damn, I don’t remember.”

Sam was about to beat the dude's ass until he told him, but he needed to get moving and this was his only lead so he had to just deal with it so he could try to find his brother. If he let this one go he would most likely not get another chance like this.

"Fine, double if you quit the bullshit and tell me the truth." Sam reached behind his back and pulled out his gun and cocked it, pressing it against his forehead. "You lie to me and I'll come back and unload this clip, making sure every bullet goes through your thick skull."

"Whoa, chill out. I'll tell you where I saw him go, but there's no guarantee he's there. This was at least twenty minutes ago, the way he was drivin' he's gotta be a few towns over by now. You take the way he went, there ain't too many places to go for the next few hundred miles, you really haul ass you might be able to catch him."

Sam sighed impatiently waving the gun at him so he would continue.

"He went north, highway that takes you out toward Texas in an old gray Caprice. Uh, four-door, kinda beat up and it had tinted windows. Wasn't his car because when I got in I saw he had it hotwired so if you're lookin' for him better get your ass moving cuz I'm sure he ditched the car already if he didn't drive it over a cliff. He was pretty messed up before all the drugs, real agitated and looked like he wanted to kill someone."

Sam tossed him his two hundred dollar bills. "He say anything?"

"Not much, he seemed real pissed off. I don't fear no one, but I gotta admit he kinda scared me. Didn't say much to him because he looked like he could rip my head off if I looked at him wrong. He calmed down a little after we smoked...he was drinking too, let it slip that he needed to get the fuck outta town but I didn't question him. Did a few lines with me for gettin' him the blow. He seemed pretty fired up so I just gave him his shit and got out of the car. Then he took off like a bat outta hell. Good luck, I'd be careful he's a loose cannon right now, fucked up outta his mind so I'd be careful how you roll up on him."

"Yeah, I know how to deal with him.”

 

 

Sam knew Cas said that trying to talk to Dean was the last thing he should do but he was not about to sit around when he had a lead on him. He had been driving for over an hour. He was starving, and without Dean in the car there wasn’t a constant supply of junk food to snack on. He passed a diner and thought about stopping but knew he had to drive on, it was a slim to none chance he would find him but he had to try before the odds of finding his brother got worse and even more impossible. Quez had been right, there were very few turn offs, and the ones he had passed he was almost positive that Dean wouldn’t waste his time.

Just as Sam glanced at the diner in his rearview mirror, he slammed on the brakes and turned around, something caught his eye. A sign, he almost missed it and when it hit him what it said he knew he had to try.  _Best Pies on Highway 35._

If Sam was starving driving along the same long road as Dean then he had to be starving too, especially if he had been smoking weed and there was no way he would pass up even the worst pie. Sam knew it was a long shot but he had to try every possibility. It was late in the afternoon and there were only three cars parked in the lot. Sam walked past a van, he knew Dean despised them and would never subject himself to that, there was a new car but Dean hated them too. He slowed down by an older model Mercury Cougar and peeked inside. There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the floor of the backseat along with a crumpled pack of menthol cigarettes. Sam noticed a screwdriver sitting on the passenger seat and just as he had suspected the steering column was broken so he knew Dean had to be here because not that many people hot wire a car and drive it to the local diner to eat pie after they finish of a liter of whiskey.

Sam didn’t have time to come up with a plan, he carefully walked to the door of the diner and peered inside. He spotted Dean immediately, sitting with his back to him in the second booth from the door. He saw a sign that said to seat yourself, and decided he would just walk in and sit next to his brother. Sam held his breath as he opened the door slowly, praying there wasn’t a bell or that it did not make any noise because Dean would be on the lookout for him at all times. He was actually surprised that Dean had not sat on the other side of the booth so he could watch the car.

Sam paused by the door, the waitress was taking empty plates off the table and setting down a slice of pie. He could hear her flirting with him, saying this one was on the house and wondered how many pieces he had already eaten. Surprisingly Dean didn’t flirt with her, but anytime there was food around Dean usually didn’t pay attention to any one, and if that food was pie it was like there was no one else on the same planet, which was really working in Sam’s favor. Sam slid into the booth next to his brother before Dean even had time to react. Dean had been finishing his third piece of pie, he stopped midchew and glared at Sam. With a mouthful of food he muttered, "Dude, no. Get the fuck outta here. I told you not to follow me.”

"You're going to listen to me, Dean-”

"I'm not gonna do  _shit_  besides shove your ass over and walk out that door. You follow me again, next time I see you I’m not gonna play it nice. This is the last goddamn time I’m telling you. You got what you wanted, I’m outta your life. For good. So…I really don’t know why you’re doing this.”

Sam sighed, he couldn’t just blurt out that he loved Dean. He knew Dean would never just hit him when they were in a small town diner on highway where the next exit wasn’t for several hundred miles and he had a stolen car. Dean finished the last bite of his pie then quickly drank down his pop. He slid into Sam, pressing his hip hard against him. When Sam didn’t budge, Dean glanced around the diner then muttered, “Move or get moved.”

“Dean, please. Just listen to me for five minutes. I’m begging you to just hear me out.”

“I don’t need to hear it, Sam. I heard it loud and clear in Heaven, and really, every day we were together I was just…” Dean ran his hand over the back of his neck then mumbled, “Just live the life you’ve always wanted.”

“This is not what I want, Dean. All I want is for you to come with me and-”

"Quit following me around Sam. You got what you wanted, I’m gone so you can have your great life without me.”

Dean tried shoving him hard to get him out of the booth but Sam struggled to not move, he didn’t even feel Dean reach in his pocket and pull out the keys to the Impala. Dean stopped struggling and put his hands on the table, sliding the booth back enough so he could get out.

Dean tossed a twenty on the table then walked out the door. Sam took a few long strides and was ahead of him, he stood at the driver’s side door of the car Dean was driving. Dean turned and walked the other direction.

"I can get another car, ‘bout time I ditch that one anyway.”

“Dean, please. I'm sorry you're pissed, and that you hate me right now. I'm sorry even though you have done everything for me that I'm the worst brother ever, just please what you saw wasn’t-”

Dean stopped and whirled around. “I know what I saw, the same thing you saw. The only thing I’ve had for the past thirty fucking years. You. But…” Dean slid his hand roughly through his hair and turned back around. "This isn't just about the shit you did or didn't do. It's the fact you enjoyed it, Sam. That I was stupid enough to think you actually gave half a shit about me, that the all the times in my life I despised most, that killed me and…and were the lowest, darkest, worst parts were the ones that you loved. You loved getting away so much it was your Heaven. Fucking heaven for you is getting away from me. That’s just something… I can’t…”

Dean looked at Sam, a look that made Sam’s eyes water and his stomach drop and twist in knots. For the first time in his life he saw tears in his brother’s eyes and nothing but pain. Dean got in his car and started it, backing out and flooring it down the road. Sam walked over to the Impala, he felt his pocket and swore under this breath. Dean was already so far down the highway Sam couldn’t see the car. He ran back in and picked the keys off of the table and wondered how the hell he was ever going to get his brother back.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Dean slowly slid his lock pick into a lock on a tall gate. After scoping out the impound lot and making sure there was no cameras he decided it was his best bet in the small town. He prayed there was no dogs but he'd do what he had to, he had his gun cocked and ready. He carefully slipped inside and started checking out the cars. There was a Mercedes with 22 inch rims but that would draw too much attention. He walked past the new Impala without a second glance, he hated new cars even Impalas because they were all fiberglass and bullshit. He paused at a 1979 Shelby Mustang. He was dying to take it for a spin but Sam would know in a heartbeat it was him. Dean knew Sam would be watching all cars stolen in a 500 mile radius of the last town they had been in so he had to be less obvious.

He came across a station wagon, but there was no way in hell he could do it, and Sam might think that Dean was trying to be unpredictable so he walked on until he came across a Honda Civic. He hated foreign cars but on closer inspection it had performance parts, an aftermarket engine and clutch, and was obviously used to race because it even had nitrous in the trunk. Dean figured he could have a little fun then ditch it in the next town and backtrack to a different town because he was all hyped up and wanted to race it up the street and see just how fast it would go. Plus, a foreign piece of shit would be the last thing Sam would expect him to steal.

Dean got in and was surprised the keys were actually in it. Impound lots usually had tighter security and a little common sense but this town was so small they probably rarely had any cars in impound and most likely repo’d it from someone racing down their stretch of highway with a dirty license or a warrant.

Dean started it up, practically popping a boner when he heard how loud and powerful the motor was. He loved cars, especially ridiculously loud fast cars. He resisted the urge to rev the motor, there was a pipe on it so it was already louder than hell without being revved up.

As soon as Dean drove off the lot, he turned on to the highway and floored it. For the first time in three days he felt carefree and almost happy. He even forgot about being pissed at Sam until he was saw a stop light ahead and slowed down. He saw there was no cars in the intersection so he blew through the red light and immediately thought,  _Damn, Sam would be giving me a bitchface screaming at me to slow down._  He cursed under his breath, wondering why the hell even when he was this pissed he could only think about his brother. He quickly turned the radio on and flipped through the stations before he could answer himself because he knew it was because he loved him, was in love with him but he couldn't deal with the pain anymore. He wanted to be with Sam more than anything but he knew he was stupid and naïve to ever think that Sam could ever possibly want that.

Dean turned around and went back up the long stretch of highway, activating the nitrous and smiling for the first time in days as he watched the speedometer lay on it’s side as the car quickly sped over 100mph.

 

 

 

Sam stared ahead at the passing cars, his eyelids drooping. He was backed in between some trees trying to get a few hours of sleep. He drove for two days straight, only stopping to refuel and get some food but he had almost passed out twice so he knew he had to pull over or would end up in a ditch. He knew if he ever had even the most minuscule chance of getting Dean back he would have to have his Impala the way he left it. Sam set his phone for two hours and leaned his seat back.

When Sam was at Stanford he dreamed about Dean every single night, most likely because he was on his mind the entire day. Sam still had occasional dreams of his brother but whenever they were at odds or apart Sam always got flashbacks of them together, of the best times they had growing up. Maybe it was his subconscious or what his Heaven truly was, but once Sam fell asleep he started dreaming of his brother.

He usually had dreams of them growing up, right now he was dreaming of one of his favorite things to do with Dean, wrestling around. They had always done it, usually it would start as a stupid fight over what to watch or Dean would make a smart ass comment, then it escaladed from there. Sometimes Sam would purposely do things he knew pissed his brother off because not only did he love actually getting to touch Dean and feel his muscular arms around him, but every time they had a stupid fight Dean usually did something to make it up to him whether it was take him and let him get something he wanted like ice cream or giving in and watching what Sam wanted. He honestly never cared what they did, Sam just loved being with Dean.

Sam heard his alarm going off and opened his eyes. He wondered why memories like that could not have been what Dean had seen, because if he had to pick one memory to live in for the rest of eternity it would be any memory he had with Dean before all of the times he had let him down or hurt him.

Sam started the Impala, a song came on the radio that was one of Dean’s favorites. He quickly flipped the radio off and drove to find a place that had Wi-Fi. He had to start looking for anything that might be Dean-like behavior but it was so hard because Dean was too good to be tracked. He needed a miracle, and that might not even work because even an angel could not find him now. Everything reminded Sam of Dean, and he realized just how much life sucked without him. Dean made life interesting, even though Sam pretended not to be amused when Dean was immature or told inappropriate jokes he secretly loved it. Dean was everything Sam wasn’t, he made his life exciting and fun and Sam kept Dean grounded and gave him a reason to not just spend his life taking risks. They balanced each other out and were lost without each other.

 

 

Dean took a long sip of whiskey and sat up. He had just smoked a joint and was rolling up another one. He was bored as hell and actually needed to talk to someone. He was seriously contemplating about whether or now he should call Cas. Dean knew he could trust him not to tell Sam where he was, but he Cas would be worried about him and Dean was so fucked up at the moment he knew Cas might just take him to Sam or bring Sam to him as in intervention.

He was sitting on top of his latest car, a dark blue Pontiac Firebird. As Dean lit the second joint he laid back on the hood, looking up at the stars trying not to think about how he and his brother used to do this all the time. Since they were kids Dean would pull over and they would talk for hours, laying on the Impala. He felt his eyes water as he thought about how much he wanted Sam there with him, and for things to be the way they used to be until tears were streaming down his face. He didn’t want a life without Sam, he didn’t care if he never had anything besides his brother because that was how it had always been and that was how he had wanted it to stay because Sam was the only thing he needed to be truly happy but he would never be able get over the fact that Sam never wanted to be with him. Even if it always remained the same, best friends and brothers, nothing more, he could live with that. He didn’t know why Sam was trying to get him to come back with him if deep down it was the last thing he wanted. As much as Dean wanted to give in every time Sam had tried to get him to give in, he couldn’t do it because it hurt too much to know that it wasn’t what Sam really wanted and if Dean went back and Sam left again it would kill him.

Dean finished smoking another joint and lit a cigarette, he closed his eyes and slowly inhaled. He heard a flutter of wings and glanced over to see Cas.

"What're you doin' here, man? I...I didn't pray to you."

"You were thinking about me."

"Was not."

"Dean..."

Cas frowned as Dean took a long sip of whiskey and sat up, swaying as he got to his feet, then stumbling and catching himself on the edge of the car then deciding it was better to sit back down. He took another long drink then laid back, closing his eyes. Cas could tell he was completely wasted, but needed to focus on getting him to talk, thinking his chances might be slightly better if Dean was in an altered state of mind and less worried about holding back.

"Our bond allows me to tune in to your thoughts, it isn't easy and most of the time you are blocking it too much but when you...when your inhibitions are lessened you gradually let go and I am able to connect to your subconscious mind and I can sometimes hear your thoughts if I concentrate hard enough.”

Dean’s eyes flew open and he glared at Cas, obviously offended that he had been listening to his thoughts. "Why’re you spying on my mind, dude? Sam put you up to this?"

"I did it on my own, but your brother is desperately looking for you. He’s extremely worried about you, Dean. If you would just talk to him, give him a chance to-"

Dean sat up, narrowing his eyes at Cas. "Give him a chance? Do you know how many chances I've given him? I spent every day of my life doing everything possible for him, never asking for anything in return but a little bit of…” Dean took the last sip of whiskey and threw the bottle down, shaking his head.

Cas moved closer to Dean, he tentatively reached out and set a hand on Dean’s leg to get to stop bouncing it. "You have given more to Sam than any human has ever cared enough to give, and sacrificed what no one else would ever be able to. Despite what you think, your brother appreciates it and hates that he cannot do the same for you. He loves you, Dean. More than you ever thought, or know.”

Dean took a slow hit off of his cigarette, he felt anger and rage bubbling up and the pain that had been gradually eased as he got higher and drunker suddenly start overwhelming him again. He really was trying not to get mad at Cas. He knew that Cas and Sam were not close like he and Cas were and wondered why he was taking his side. 

"Dean, I am not taking Sam's side."

Dean flicked his cigarette across the field and jumped off the car. "Dammit Cas, stop reading my mind!"

Dean leaned over the car and took a deep breath, he had just gotten to the point he was calming down, the drug had him almost euphoric but now they were triggering his adrenaline and getting him all hyped up. Dean always had an overload of testosterone that had always made it hard to suppress and control his anger but now it was almost overwhelming and he was struggling to keep his emotions in check.

Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. "Calm down, Dean. Please. I’m not trying to make you angry, all I want you to do is listen. Even if it isn't for Sam...I can't see you destroy your life.”

Cas took a step back and leaned against the car next to Dean. “You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone, really even more than anyone because of all of the things you've done. Dean, you have made a bigger difference in your life so far than most humans combined. You stopped the world from ending. You killed Azazel when even angels failed for centuries. You killed thousands of demons, vampires, and evil threats. You brought down War and Famine, and I know you will stop the other horsemen. Dean every day you save countless lives so why do you feel that your own life is worth nothing?”

Dean didn't say anything for several minutes. He sighed and glanced at Cas before looking at the ground. “I know where this is going. You know damn well I didn’t do all of that shit on my own. It was because I had Sam. I might have hunted for years without him, but when we work together we’re unstoppable, right? As a team we can do anything. Save it because I can’t work with someone who can barely stand being around me. Don’t even think about trying to convince me to work it out with Sam or take me to see him.”

"Dean, just let it go. Fine, you don't want to see your brother then don't. Do something for yourself and figure out what it would take to make you happy and-”

Dean cursed under this breath and punched the hood of the car hard, crushing his fingers but he didn't care. He hit it again and again until Cas grabbed his arm and jerked him over so he was standing in front of him.

Dean was breathing heavy, his face flushed and his hand was throbbing. He knew he broke at least three of his fingers but didn't care he wasn't going to say what Cas wanted him to admit, what he hated that he had admitted to himself and knew Cas had heard when he thought it.

Cas put his hand over Dean's hand, his broken and bleeding fingers. Dean flinched as pain shot up his arm. He focused on the pain, it helped lessen the pain that would never go away, pain that crushed him and sent him into this spiraling self-destructive depression.

"If Sam is the only thing that will ever make you happy..." Cas gently put his fingers on Dean's hand and healed the broken bones and cuts. He looked into Dean's eyes for several seconds then continued. "Then you need to let it go Dean. Sam feels the same way you do, you are the only thing that ever has or will matter, the only thing he lives for and you also are the only thing he ever needs but can never be truly happy without. He is in love with you too, Dean."

Dean scoffed and jerked his hand away from Cas. He reached into the open window and grabbed another bottle of whiskey and took a long slow drink, avoiding Cas’s eyes.

"You don't constantly hurt someone if you love them, you don't run away and always choose everything and everyone above them. You never fucking give up… you never…”

Dean’s voice cracked and he was done. Cas knew how he felt, he obviously knew what he was thinking so he didn’t need to even say it because he couldn’t without losing it.

"I don’t expect you to ever forget how Sam’s actions hurt you, and I know it is not something easily forgotten and you managed to never treat him differently despite it all. But you know as well as I do you and Sam share a bond unlike any other. Ever since that day you carried him out of the burning house you dedicated your entire existence to protecting your brother, constantly putting your life on the line and stopping at nothing to make his life better, make him happy. He regrets everything he has ever done to hurt you, Dean. I know you yourself regret things you have done or said to Sam in the past, none this extreme but you know what it feels like to disappoint him and he is just as hard on himself as you are, sometimes worse. He hates that you never had a normal life, he feels he has always held you back and most of all…he hates what his life is like when you aren’t with him. Not a day has gone by where he does not regret leaving you. It eats at him just as much as it does you.

Dean scrubbed his hand over his face and turned his back to Cas. He walked to the front of the car and leaned against the hood, swallowing down several long slow drinks of whiskey.

"Let me show you something," Cas took a step forward and raised his hand to Dean, “I want to show you what Sam thinks about every day, what he really thinks of you and what he himself never realized was there until he saw how much you had done for him and how bad he hurt you. You need to know that Sam really is in love with you, Dean."

Dean pushed Cas's hand away. "Cas, I'm not going to tell you again. I don't want to see Sam. Even if it were true…I just can’t go back and have it happen all over again. He has a habit of repeatedly running away.”

"I swear not to take you to see Sam, only to tap into your mind and show you his true thoughts, what would have been his Heaven if Zachariah had not tampered with-"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Sam's theory on the dickbag angels trying to trick me, but you know what? Every single thing we saw there actually happened. He ran away, he went to college his memories are with total strangers rather than all the times me and him..." Dean's voice cracked again, he bit down on his lip so hard he tasted blood and his fist was clenched so tight his knuckles were white. His breathing quickened and he finished off the remainder of the whiskey, hurling the bottle across the field where it shattered against a tree.

Cas knew he had to calm Dean down, he was worried that he was losing control. He didn't want to torture Dean and open the wounds of every painful memory he had suppressed and tried to constantly forget. He knew the only way to get through to Dean and make him care about living was to remind him how much he and Sam cared about each other. He knew Sam was Dean's one and only weakness and the only thing that would ever bring him back and he feared if he did not at least give him even the tiniest glimmer of hope that he would lose Dean, he would be too far gone and if he didn’t kill himself it would only be a matter of time before the destructive things he was doing did it first.

"I would never trick you into anything Dean. But I cannot stand here and let you spiral out of control and go insane or watch you destroy your life with drugs and alcohol. All I want is for you to forget about every bad thing that has happened and remember the good, they far outweigh everything. You and Sam belong together, it is a much higher connection than simply love. You were destined to be together, two halves of a whole. Before you say it, no, I am not talking about being true vessels. I need you to trust me, Dean.”

Cas reached into his coat and pulled out his angel blade. He looked at it for a few seconds then turned it around and handed it to Dean. Dean looked up at him, unsure of what he was doing.

"Hold on to this, if you think I'm lying, tricking you or trying to deceive you in anyway...use it. I'll give my life to prove to you that you are making the biggest mistake ever if you walk away from Sam, you need each other and...I don't want to lecture you. Let me show you and then I guess it’s up to you what happens, because I will not force you to do something you are not ready to do. But I know you have not stopped thinking about Sam over these past few days, and Sam has done nothing but worry and think about you.” 

Dean hesitated, he didn't want to see what Cas was going to show him because it was only going to make it worse. He knew the things he did for Sam, and Sam did things for him too. As much as he had been going on about Sam needed him, Dean needed Sam more anything. He had always been the only thing in the world he cared about, the only thing that made him happy. No matter what hell he was going through, he was able to pull through and deal with it knowing that once it was all over he still had Sam.

Cas held the blade out, Dean took it and Cas pointed to the car. "Get in the car, you'll need to be asleep."

Dean knew this was a horrible idea but he did it anyway. Anything had to be better than sitting there reliving the worst days of his life. Dean let out a deep breath and opened the door. As he got in, Cas appeared in the passenger seat. He laid the seat back and closed his eyes as Cas mumbled a few Enochian words and drew a symbol with the mixture it had taken him days to find all of the ingredients for across Dean’s forehead.

It was like a movie playing in Dean’s head. He remembered everything he was seeing, but he could see everything, as if he was watching himself and Sam from someone else's point of view. Memories flooded by when they were kids, everything from how Dean taught Sam to ride a bike, shoot a gun and not get his ass kicked in a fight to random things like Sam begging Dean to let him do something with him that Dean knew Sam hated doing, He could see how Sam lit up when they did things together, how he pretty much worshiped him and tried to be just like him. He was constantly trying to impress Dean by doing all the things he taught him perfectly because he never wanted to disappoint him.

There was a time Sam was playing with a very old, very special weapon that John had warned Sam not to touch it Sam did and broke it. He was only six or seven years old but Dean took the blame so their dad wouldn't take it out on Sam, Dean remembered he had spent most of his childhood taking the blame for his brother and begging their father not to involve Sam in the life, or to make him hunt. It had resulted in years of emotional and verbal abuse and sometimes it got physical but he hid it from his brother because he never wanted him to know just how bad things could be. But from this point of view, he could see Sam's reactions and how he felt, he hated that his brother was constantly in trouble because of him and that Dean had to deal with their father’s anger because he had messed up when he was the one who should have to field strip and clean all the guns, or been grounded and not allowed to watch TV or do something, or sometimes even get slapped or punched.

Dean saw that Sam's feelings for him were starting to grow. Dean had been there for Sam helping him through everything he had done for the first time, from talk and walk to things like dealing with the first time a girl stood him up, teaching him how to get girls, getting him drunk for the first time and staying up with him on the bathroom floor while he puked the entire night. It didn’t really matter what they did, the way Sam was looking at him was the way he looked at Sam. Pure love, and a longing for someone you spent every waking moment with and lustfully desire to have wears on you.

Then they were older, Sam wanted to play soccer but their dad said he needed to spend the time training with Dean. So Dean took him to tryouts, when Sam made the team Dean stayed after school with him every day and kicked the ball around so he could get extra practice, lying to their dad and telling him they were hunting. That was when Sam realized he didn’t just have a crush on Dean or love him, he was in love with Dean, but he never thought Dean would love him back so he started ignoring his feelings, going through a stage where they argued and fought constantly and Sam felt horrible to be that way to Dean but he could not take the pain of not having him, of his brother not seeing him for anything other than his brother and best friend. 

Dean had always messed around with girls but now he could see Sam's reaction to every single one. They flashed by in an instant, a montage of Dean hooking up with random girls and it started wearing on Sam, he had been thinking Dean felt the same way but when he didn't Sam couldn't take it, he swore if Dean was with one more girl he would be done, he couldn't take seeing someone else with his brother so he made the first mistake of his life, instead of just talking to Dean, Sam ran away to Flagstaff. 

Dean hadn't been pissed until this, he had slowly started to begin realizing that Sam might love him, or had at one time. But Dean just could not believe that he still felt that way because he knew he would never in an infinity of lifetimes have ever been able to do to Sam what Sam did to him. No matter how bad it got, he would never ever leave, even if it meant giving up a chance at a normal life for both of them because he loved Sam too much to ever be able to do that, no matter what the reason.

Dean knew what came next. Stanford. There was no way in hell he could watch that again so he forced himself to wake up. Dean sat up and scrubbed his hand over his wet face, he hadn't realized that tears had been streaming down his cheek. He took a deep breath and avoiding Cas's eyes in a barely audible voice whispered, "I...I can't, Cas."

Dean took the angel blade out, Cas watched him carefully as he looked at it then traced his own wrist with the sharp tip, cutting a fine line. Cas tried to take it away from him but it just made him cut deeper. Dean closed his eyes and let the rush of adrenaline mix with pain, the sudden rush making it all go away, clearing his head.

"Dean, stop.  _Please_. I don’t want you physically hurting yourself anymore to deal with things.”

Dean cut himself one more time then took a deep breath, opened his eyes and handed the blade back to Cas.

"Dean, I didn't do this to upset you. Sam had his reasons for his actions and even though they seemed to be selfish, it was never about getting away from you. It was your father, what he was doing to you and also wanting you but thinking he would never get to be with you."

Dean pulled out a bag of white powder and put some on the back of a car manual. He took a credit card and crushed it up, making a straight line then quickly inhaled it.

“I wish you would stop getting high, it’s dangerous, Dean.”

He looked over at Cas, pupils huge and overshadowing every trace of green in his eyes, not even bothering to wipe away the tears anymore.

"It's the only thing keeping me together, if I don't..."

"What?"

Dean shook his head and looked out the window, his leg bouncing because he was hyped up. He had to get out of the car, it suddenly felt claustrophobic and he was even more on edge then he had been before. Dean had barely stepped out when Cas appeared inches away from him.

Dean sighed. “I just…I want to be alone right now.”

"Dean, I won't leave you when you're like this.”

"I'm fine Cas, never better."

"Until the high's gone, then it will be worse. Talk to me Dean. You can't keep ignoring how you feel, shoving it deep down does nothing but torment you. I know you’re pissed, so…so let it out. Tell me how pissed you are, tell me why what Sam did hurt you.”

Dean glanced up at Cas and shook his head, lighting a cigarette as he leaned against the car.

"It's OK to be angry at Sam, he hurt you. But you've got to learn to let go of the past if you don't you know it will destroy you. You watched your father wreck not only his life but also yours and your brother’s by letting his rage dictate everything, you don't want to become your father Dean. You are nothing like him, so stop being stubborn."

"Too late," Dean muttered as he climbed back on the hood and laid back, closing his eyes. He tried tuning Cas out so he could enjoy his buzz but that voice kept creeping in and making him think.

"Dean. Damn it stop being so fucking stubborn. You and Sam need each other, you both will self-destruct without the other you were made to-"

Dean sat up, he couldn't sit and listen to Cas anymore because he knew it was true. Every single time Sam had left him, every time he was alone it killed him more and more every time. When Sam went to college he thought he would never get over it, but he was able to ignore it and move on once he was back with him. But then Sam died and Dean totally lost it, he could not go on without him, he ignored a lifetime of training and all common sense when he made the deal to save Sam. He didn’t care it would mean going to Hell because Dean knew he would never want to live a life without him, he even convinced himself to tell Sam how he felt, why not he was going to hell anyway but then he started lying and sneaking off with Ruby. When Dean got back from hell and he found out he had been not only hooking up with her the entire time but he was drinking her blood, Dean knew he would never have the life he wanted with Sam and even then he still learned to deal with it, until they were both killed and ended up in Heaven.

Cas knew Dean was not going to turn around right away, he just wanted to give him something else to think about but he feared he had let him see too much and made it worse. Even though Dean had not spoken a word he heard it all in his mind and he truly felt bad for Dean but he didn’t want to tell him what he was thinking. The only thing that was going to save Dean now was Sam.

Dean took a long drink of whiskey, he could feel that his emotions were out of control. He held them in for years, ignoring them and pretending things never happened and now that he had let himself really think about it, it was overwhelming after trying so long to hold back and never think it and for his true feelings to come out, knowing now what he had somehow deep down always knew, that Sam felt the same way somehow made it all so much worse. Dean felt like punching something or shooting his gun, getting so high and drunk he passed out. He wanted to forget it all and have the one thing that had always been the only thing to make all the pain of his suckass life go away.

"Dean...I can make you forget.”

Dean looked up, eyes red, rimmed with tears, then quickly looked down and shook his head. In a rough, strained voice he replied, "I need to remember. My problem was I kept letting it happen like a fucking idiot I have to remember how it felt or I’ll just keep making the same mistake and he will just keep walking away or choosing something else over me."

Dean stumbled to the car and went to open the door. Cas appeared right next to him, putting his hand on the handle to stop him.

"Dean, please. You're not going anywhere, you're too drunk. You have too many things in your system and you are too overwhelmed with emotions right now. I cannot let anything happen to you.”

"Like hell. What's it fucking matter anyway, Cas? It's not like..." Dean trailed off and slid down against the car, sitting down. His head was spinning, the mix of drugs and alcohol catching up to him.

"Don’t ever think that again."

Dean looked up and shrugged, not even bothering to speak anymore.

"I care if you're around Dean. So does Sam, and so do a lot of people. Why can't you see you effect so many lives in ways you can't even begin to realize but most of all you make a difference in your brother's life? You always have Dean, Sam would not be the person he is without you."

Dean made an irritated noise as he slurred, "Yeah. So is this the part where you show me what the world would be like without me? It’d be the same, maybe even better.”

“The world wouldn’t even be here without you. Neither would Sam.”’

“I made him so fucking miserable he wanted nothing more than to get away. If going to Hell for him didn’t make him realize I fucking…Just, stop. I don’t wanna talk about it. Not now, not ever. I’m done, Cas.” 

Cas took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He could not believe how stubborn Dean was, it was nearly impossible to get through to him, and even worse to get him to listen. He looked at Dean for several minutes, unsure of how to get through to him. Cas realized maybe Dean just needed to let it all out, if he could get him to talk about how he felt or why maybe he would let it go, not just think it but actually say it. He knew it was a long shot but he had no idea what else to do. Cas could not let Dean destroy his life, he hated seeing him this way, and it worried him even more that Dean had never seemed so far gone.

Dean had gotten his last bottle of whiskey out of the car and Cas wasn’t even sure how he wasn’t in an alcohol coma, he thought about making him instantly sober but it seemed to be calming him down for the moment.

"How did you feel when Sam went to Stanford?"

Dean had been taking a drink, he paused and looked at Cas for several minutes then shifted and looked down at the ground.

"I know no one has ever asked or cared, so tell me Dean."

Dean was tracing his finger over the rim of the whiskey bottle. He shook his head and bit his lip then took another drink and leaned his head back against the car.

"I know Dean, I can read what you felt and what you're thinking. But you need to say it out loud, you can't get over it until you say it.”

Dean sighed, he was never going to get Cas off of his ass unless he said something. He shook his head and looked down as he muttered. "It fucking killed me."

"Why?"

Dean looked up, gave him an irritated look then rolled his eyes. "Because I've spent my entire life making sacrifices, busting my ass and doing all the things I never wanted him to have to do to so he could have a normal life. It was never the fact that he went, it was that he… never once called or-or…"

Dean slid his hand over face and sighed. “He didn’t fucking need me, and it didn’t occur to him we could have left together.”

Cas sat down next to Dean and took the bottle of whiskey from him. “But you know that’s not true now, don’t you?” Cas paused, “You woke up before you saw what Sam went through without you, but I promise you, it was exactly the same thing you did. He tortured himself the entire time, wanting nothing more than for you to come get him but was too afraid and stubborn to call you. The day you picked him up, was one of the happiest days he had in years.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

Sam pulled over into a park and looked for a place to pull in and get a few hours of sleep. He wanted to keep on driving but knew he needed to stop. He parked the Impala in between two trees and as soon as he killed the motor Sam was already sleeping.

He was dreaming of the day Dean taught him how to drive. Sam vaguely remembered how Dean learned to drive, their dad was too drunk but the needed to make it to the next city in less than an hour so he yelled at Dean, barely eleven at the time, for the entire car ride. But when Dean taught Sam to drive he was patient, he never once raised his voice at Sam in his life, not even when Sam accidentally backed into a pole as he was backing into a spot at the restaurant they were about to eat at. Dean just smirked at him and said Sam better let him eat his piece of pie. John had just recently gotten his truck and let Dean have the Impala, on the condition he took care of it and maintained it. He bitched at Dean constantly if there was so much as a speck of dirt on it, and now there was a dent in the bumper and the paint was scratched.

Sam got out of the car and ran to the back, biting his lip so Dean wouldn’t see the tears in his eyes. Dean had put his arm around Sam and pulled him toward the door so they could eat. Sam remembered Dean spent the next twelve hours getting the bumper just right and buffing out the scratch, but it was what Dean said when Sam asked him why he wasn’t mad that he just wrecked his baby that Sam would never forget.

_“It’s just a car Sammy, you mean a hell of a lot more to me than a damn car.”_

 

 

Dean was sitting at a red light. Along with all of the alcohol and drugs pumping through his veins, was pure adrenaline. He had been running on it all day and it was great. He had stolen a Dodge Viper and it was  _fast_. He had no idea how he had even come across one, he had always dreamed of driving a car like his. Dean had somehow made it all the way to Las Vegas, flooring it the entire time. He glanced over at the guy in a Lamborghini next to him and revved the motor again. The guy nodded. Dean watched the light, glancing at the other cross section light that was turning yellow. He had his hand on the gear shift, the instant the light turned green he slammed the gas to the floor, reaching 75 mph in seconds as his hand flew to shift the gears. He pulled ahead, feeling an even bigger rush as lights flew by in streaks. Dean glanced down he was going over 120 mph, he knew he had a few seconds before he had to slow down, since he had raced up and down the street several times already.

Dean's heart was racing and for the first time in as long as he could remember he had no worries and he face felt weird…oh right, that's what it felt like to smile. He had forgotten. Dean started slowing down and glanced in the mirror. He had actually beaten the Lambo. His heart almost stopped when he saw it on the side of the road next to a cop with its lights on and another squad car racing up the strip towards him.

 _"Shit,"_  Dean muttered. He knew Sam was going to be looking for him so he had to stop doing things that would raise red flags to him. But first he had to ditch the cops, no way in hell they would catch him in a Viper, but he knew soon they could call for backup. Luckily he and Sam used to come here every year and he knew the back roads well. After a few strategic turns he drove into a field and killed the motor. He got out of the car and pulled out a bag of things he had gotten earlier that day then opened the trunk and took out two gas cans. He saturated the interior, any prints or DNA would be obliterated. He continued to pour gasoline then tossed the bottles inside the car. He walked over to a car he had stolen earlier and hid for a situation just like this. He got in, driving slowly he pulled out a Zippo, rolled down his window and reluctantly tossed it into the open window. It almost hurt him to do it, it was an amazing car but he couldn’t take any chances.

Dean watched the car become engulfed in flames from his rear view mirror while he sped off to the next city he wanted to visit. He might be reckless, but he was smart and planned it all out before he did anything too risky. But planning out things wasn't Dean's style. Since his talk with Cas, Dean made the decision to just live a little and do some crazy things he never allowed himself to do. For once he was going to do whatever he felt like and try to have the time of his life. He had spent his life giving up everything for his brother, he didn't mind doing any of it because he loved Sam, but now that he knew the only thing Sam wanted was to be far away from him Dean would give him that.

 

 

Sam had no idea how he was going to find Dean. He knew Cas couldn't find him unless they had a narrow area for him to be able to scan, but at least he had gotten him on board with telling him when he found him. Sam was searching the internet for anything within 100 miles that seemed like his brother's reckless behavior but it was a daunting task because there were so many crimes he would never be able to figure it out. The more time that passed the further his brother would get. He knew Dean and the kinds of things he would do in this situation but that was the problem, Dean would definitely be smart and cover his tracks well, he would know Sam would watch closely for any clue of where he might be. Dean would avoid obvious places, and anywhere Sam knew he liked to go because he would want to do things spontaneously. 

Cas told Sam to call him if he figured out where Dean was and until then Cas was randomly searching out places, since he could search an entire town in seconds he went to bigger cities first then when Sam could direct him to a more general area he would look in smaller areas. But Sam knew it was pretty much hopeless.

Sam had to get his mind off of his brother, but that was impossible. He kept thinking about what his truest happy memories were, but it was hard because it just reminded him Dean was gone. Sam wondered how he could have been such a naive idiot. Now that he thought about it, Dean had loved him all along and he did not really hide it as much as it seemed.

The more Sam thought about it, the more he realized Dean had been in love with him all along. He could not believe he did not realized before that Dean was in love with him. He knew there was always something there. Sam had always known he meant more to Dean than anyone ever had, and that he went far above and beyond the role of just being a brother. Sam had lied to himself and everyone else for years trying to pretend he didn’t want to be with his brother because he was afraid Dean would get pissed or not want to be around him. But then Sam went and did the one thing he feared most, the one thing he prayed Dean would never do to him and if he would have just not been such a complete moron he could have just admitted it to Dean and they would be in a totally different place. They would be happy and together. All along Sam had thought that because he was one of the few things Dean had, that was the reason Dean treated him the way he did, when all along the reason Dean treated him that way was because he loved Sam more than he ever would have guessed.

Sam drifted off to sleep, thinking about the first time he had gotten drunk. He was fourteen and was supposed to be going to his first school dance. It was prom, Dean had a date as always but for once so did Sam. Dean usually did not go to dances even if he was asked but Sam had begged him to go so he would be there in case something went wrong or he needed him. Dean had left to get the girl he was taking, and Sam was supposed to be picked up but it was ten minutes after the dance started when he realized he had been stood up.

_Sam's phone rang, he looked at the caller ID and hesitated. It was Dean. He couldn't admit to him that he had been stood up. Dean would never understand because things like that never happened to his brother. Sam drank down another beer, he wasn't really that drunk but he wanted to be, and he knew Dean had a stash. He dug through Dean's things until he found a bottle of whiskey. When his phone rang again, Sam sighed and answered it._

_"Hey, where are you?"_

_"At the motel."_

_"Dude, you made me come to this damn thing. I swear, if you ditched me so you could bang that girl, I swear to god I'm gonna kick your ass."_

_Sam didn't respond, thinking of what to say. "Uh, no. Um...Kristen called, and she couldn't come. She was...sick."_

_"Sammy, don't lie. What happened?"_

_"I don't know." Sam's voice cracked, he bit down on his lip._

_"What the hell, did she blow you off?? Ugh, I swear to fucking god-"_

_"De, stop. You've been talkin' about banging Sarah all week. I'm fine." Sam slurred._

_"Wait...are you drunk? Son of a bitch, Sammy. Tell me what's going on or I'll start asking around."_

_"No! Don't!"_

_Dean hung up and Sam started to panic. He continued to drink even though he was already drunk as hell. Twenty minutes later, Sam heard the Impala race up the street. He swore under his breath. He realized he had drank most of the whiskey, so he ran over to the sink and poured some water in it. He hid it back where it was then jumped onto his bed and pretended to be asleep just as the door opened and Dean walked in._

_Dean took his suit jacket off and loosened his tie. He walked over to the bed and sat down next to Sam. Dean didn't know what to say, so he rubbed his back. Sam slowly turned around then sat up quick when he saw Dean's face._

_"What the hell happened?"_

_Dean swore under his breath, he wished he would have controlled his temper better and then he wouldn't have gotten into a huge fight with the guy who took the girl Sam was supposed to be going with, and his two older brothers. "Sarah liked it rough," Dean winked at Sam and shifted so he was sitting facing him._

_"What did you do?"_

_"I found out who that little bitch was...she was there with some little fugly ass punk, so I drug him into the hallway and kicked his ass. I didn't know he had two older brothers. I was already drunk so I was laying into them pretty good, but they had a few friends on the football team so really it was unfair, like five guys against me...still got 'em all and kicked all their asses but it just got a little crazy for a minute."_

_"You beat up eight guys...five of them at once, because a girl stood me up?"_

_"Pretty much. No one fucks with you or hurts you and gets away with it. Wanna go to the dance?"_

_"With you?"_

_Dean shrugged "No...uh, I meant go get something to eat?"_

_Sam shook his head. "Thanks Dean, you're the best brother, like, ever.”_

_Sam hugged Dean, Dean put an arm around him for a second then got up. "Don't be such a girl, Sammy. You drunk or something?"_

_Dean got up and took out his whiskey, Sam held his breath as he took a drink then spit it out and glared at Sam._

_"What the fuck did you do?"_

_Sam opened his mouth, then closed it. He got up and ran into the bathroom. Dean sat up with him the entire night on the bathroom floor, making him laugh and forget about being stood up. He got Sam cleaned up and only made fun of him for being a lightweight once, and said that even he spent the entire night puking the first time he got drunk._

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah, drank an entire bottle of Jose Cuervo in an hour. Then dad kicked my ass when he found the empty bottle and me passed out on the bathroom floor.”_

_“Damn. That sucks.”_

_“Not all of us have awesome older brothers that don’t kick their ass for touching their secret stash.”_

_“Or that kick like, ten dude’s asses because some bitch stood their lame ass brother up.”_

_“It was only eight.” Dean smirked at Sam and ruffled his hair. When he gave him a bitchface Dean laughed. He stood up and stooped down to pick Sam up, and for the first time in years Sam didn’t put up a fight. Dean carried Sam over to his bed and set him down._

_“You know…no girl’s ever gonna be good enough for my little brother. Fuck that bitch.”_

_Sam’s arm shot up and grabbed Dean’s hand. Dean looked down at him, concern flashing across his face that he was going to be sick again. “Dean? Thanks.”_

_“You don’t have to thank me, Sammy. I’m your brother, it’s my job to-”_

_“You do way more for me than any brother ever would do.”_

_Dean pulled his shirt over his head and chuckled under his breath as he slid his pants off and sat on the edge of his bed. “Let’s see if you feel the same way about me tomorrow when you’re all hung over.”_

_“I will! I’ll always…” Sam stopped himself before he said love you, “think you’re the best brother in the world.”_

_“Yeah? I’m sure that’ll change.”_

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Sam couldn't believe his luck, he had just happened to pick a random town to stop in, and went to the bar. When he walked in, it was crowded so he just sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Two beers later he scanned the room, his eyes fell on someone playing pool. He would recognize those bowlegs anywhere. He had to make sure it really was him and that he wasn’t just hallucinating.

As the guy bent down to take his shot, Sam knew without a doubt that it was Dean, no one had an ass like him it was absolutely perfect. A blonde wearing tight jeans with huge breasts was watching him play and after his next shot she pulled him close and started making out with him, he picked her up, set her on the pool table and slotted himself between her legs. Although Sam still had not seen his face he knew it was Dean. He was leaning the girl over the table, making out pretty heavily. Sam was about to get up and walk over but knew he had to try and come up with some sort of plan.

Sam saw Dean stand and pull the girl towards the back. Just as he had already suspected, it was him, Sam just prayed he wasn't leaving. He debated on what he should do. The bar was pretty crowded, he could be anywhere and there were way too many cars in the lot to try and figure out which one he was driving. After twenty minutes he saw the girl but not Dean and panicked, he jumped up and started heading over to the girl to question her when he suddenly spotted him. Sam was pretty sure Dean hadn't seen him yet. Dean kept wiping his nose, Sam prayed he wasn't doing cocaine.

Sam watched as he sat down next to the girl, he leaned in and said something to her. She frowned as Dean got up and tried pulling him back but he shook his head and walked out the door. Sam jumped up and ran behind him. By the time Sam got outside, Dean was sitting in a car, a fairly new Chevy. He had the dome light on, rolling a joint. Sam knew he would have left if he wasn't going to smoke here so he waited. When Sam saw him rolling up a dollar bill he nearly went over to stop him but knew if he did, Dean would drive away and he would never find him again. His stomach dropped as Dean snorted whatever he crushed up, pinching his nose and inhaling the rest. It really didn’t matter if it was a pill or cocaine, Sam didn’t mind the weed but he hated when he did anything else because it scared the hell out of him that Dean could overdose. Dean seemed twitchy, so he knew he was completely blowed. He held the lighter up to the joint, slowly inhaling. Sam could see his eyes were dark, pupils huge and they were blood shot. Dean had always smoked weed and had a huge tolerance so he wondered how much he had smoked. Usually when Dean smoked he got calm, but he was drunk and who knew what else on top of that so Sam knew he had to be careful not to set him off.

Dean lit a cigarette as he got out of the car and walked to the edge of the parking lot, near some trees. Sam knew this was a perfect opportunity and possibly the only one he would get. While Dean was taking a piss, Sam got into the passenger side of the car, and climbed in the backseat. As he waited, Sam realized he had no plan and was hoping that Dean wasn’t planning on going back into the bar. He knew Dean, when he was fucked up he liked to be alone. He would most likely sit in the car and just chill before finding somewhere to get some sleep.

Dean walked over to the car, Sam held his breath as Dean opened the door. He prayed Dean didn't notice him. Dean got in and turned the radio on, switching the stations until he found something he liked then reclined the seat back and closed his eyes. Sam held his breath, Dean was less than an arm’s length away, if he opened his eyes Sam was screwed. He waited a few seconds, worried the coke in his system would either give him a heart attack if Sam spoke, or that Dean would get really pissed. This suddenly seemed like an extremely stupid idea, he had acted too quick and not thought this through. 

Sam felt his heart stop as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He cursed himself for not turning it on silent mode. His eyes focused on Dean, Dean moved his hand behind his back without Sam even noticing. In less than a second Dean went from laying there to pointing a cocked pistol at Sam.

"You stupid son of a bitch!" Dean shouted, sliding the safety back on and tossing the gun in the passenger seat. He let out a slow breath as he scrubbed his hand over his face because he didn't think when he heard a phone go off, he was about to kill whoever it was and had almost shot his brother.

"Cas, you bastard! I swear-"

"Cas had nothing to do with this."

"Bull."

"I swear, he doesn't even know I found you, I happened to stop. I was looking for you but I had no idea where you were and I went-"

"I'm supposed to believe anything you say?" 

Dean had his head laying on his hands, leaning against the steering wheel. Sam waited, he was not expecting to find Dean yet and had no idea what to say. He was surprised that Dean seemed to be controlling himself better than he would have ever expected in this situation but thankfully the drugs were calming him down rather than making him go off like he was desperately trying not to.

"Dean..."

"Get out of the car, Sam."

"Please just-"

"If you aren't out in five seconds, I will be. It'll be on you to take care of this car because I'll be gone. Burn it, sell it, leave it for all I care."

"Just listen to me, I'm begging you."

"One..."

"Zachariah tricked us Dean, you have to believe-"

"Two..."

"Dean, they are trying to get you to say yes. If you would just-"

"Three..."

"Don't do this, please."

"Four..."

Sam was desperate, he didn't know how to get his brother to just stop and listen. He needed him to know how he really felt, and he knew better than to just blurt it out because he knew Dean all too well, he would get pissed and storm off but he had no other choice, so Sam held his breath and went for it.

"I'm in love with you, Dean."

Dean kicked the door open and jumped out of the car, slamming the door shut. He walked over to the trunk and popped it open. Sam struggled to get out of the tiny backseat just as Dean was walking away.

"Don't walk away from me, Dean. I'm begging you," Sam was right behind him. Dean was walking to the edge of the parking lot.

"You're not the only one that can walk away, Sammy. Now maybe you'll finally know what it's fucking like."

Dean walked faster, normally Sam could have easily caught up, even passed him. The drugs gave Dean so much energy he wondered to himself why he had ever quit taking them. It had been because of Sam, when he was growing up he didn't want Sam to do them, he wanted Sam to respect him because the only thing that had ever really mattered to Dean was Sam's opinion of him but every time Sam disappointed him or betrayed him drugs were the only solitude and comfort he had.

Dean was trying not to think about his brother, too many emotions were on the verge of erupting out of the dark corner he shoved them into. He would either kick his ass, say or do something stupid or fall for Sam's desperate attempts to get him to listen. Sam had always known how to push every button, make him feel things he never even knew he was capable of, and he had always been his one weakness. Dean had been trained like a warrior, a Marine or Navy Seal by their father. It was ingrained and hardwired into his brain to never ever show weakness or emotion and Dean hid it all well, buried it all deep. It made him the best hunter because he never let what anyone said or did bother him. But as much as Dean was like an impregnable fortress, a natural fighter with armor that nothing could pierce through except one thing, all it took was Sam to give him that look, the sad abused puppy dog look and it all came crashing down because even though Dean was a notorious hardass, Sam always had been and always would be the clink in his armor. Even when he was at his lowest, when he gave not a single fuck and his brother had cut him deep and scared him for the rest of his life that damn look would make Dean forget it all because the one and only thing that had been engrained and etched into his mind was ‘Always watch out for Sammy’, he took it to heart and never let anything touch his brother, and when he realized he was in love with Sam he knew he would never ever, no matter what Sam did be able to deny him anything he wanted. Dean knew he would crack, it would all come crashing down and he was not having that. 

Dean was surprised Sam actually admitted he loved him, but Dean felt if it were true he would have never left in the first place and even though he wanted with everything to believe him, he couldn’t do it because if he let things go there he would never be able to stop himself and he couldn’t take getting hurt all over again because even though it might not actually kill him, he would want to be dead.

So Dean kept walking, he had no idea where he was going, but he knew if he didn't speed up and try to ditch Sam that he would follow him and then there would be no getting away. He was starting to believe that Sam really did love him but he believed it just a little less because Sam had given up on them too many times. He may love his brother, even after the hell he had gone through his entire life for him and even after Sam ran away, lied, and left so many times he never stopped loving him but every time he started thinking that Sam loved him and wanted to be with him Dean remembered that Sam’s need to be away from him was stronger than his love for him and that was worse than everything bad that happened to Dean. It was worse than having an absent alcoholic abusive father who put enormous pressure on him and had the most unrealistic expectations, worse than fighting evil monsters since before he was a teenager and training his entire life, giving up everything he would ever want and not even having any aspirations or dreams besides one-being with his brother.

Dean would have been fine with the way things has always been, whether Sam loved him the way Dean did or not, he just wanted Sam to want to be with him. Even after Sam ran away he told himself it was about their dad not him, he even lied to himself when Sam went to college or when he picked demons and their blood over him but this was the last straw and he had been hurt too many times to let Sam come back into his life and attempt to be happy with him only to have him leave all over again because no matter what hell life brought him Sam had always been the one thing that made him have hope, the only thing that made him feel love and although he wanted to get past this and finally be with Sam more than anything he couldn’t take getting crushed yet again.

"I know you have no reason to believe me, but I mean it Dean, I love you."

Dean turned and walked down a busy street, if he could get to a side street or alley then he could get away. Dean tried to tune Sam out, he figured he was just saying that to get him to stop, he had to know how Dean felt and was using that to get to him.

"Dean...I know I deserve for you to hate me, I'm the worst brother in the world for the things I've put you through, especially because of everything you have done for me. But-"

"Sam, give it up. Nothing you say to me is going to change my mind, or the fact that deep down we both know you don’t want me in your life. I saw it Sam, the best parts or your life are the absolute worst parts of mine.”

"Those were the worst parts of my life too, Dean. You have to believe me, even Cas said that Zachariah did that on purpose.”

"Leave Cas out of this, this is between us, Sam. Or it was."

"But Dean, you know the angels are desperate for you to say yes. They knew this would get to you, but I swear Dean, you have to believe that was not my Heaven, every memory I have with you is far above anything else.”

"Even if it is true, it doesn't change all the times you ran away or lied to me. I was just in denial, too stupid to wake up and realize that you always did want to get away.”

"Dean it was never about getting away from you, I really need you to let me explain. I feel horrible about what it did to you and every day of my life I regret every single time I hurt you or let you down. Please just come with me and talk to me Dean, at least give me that.”

"I'm done, Sam. I...I can't do it anymore I've always given you everything I had...I can't possibly give you anything else because I ...I gave my fucking life for you. I went to hell so I wouldn’t lose you and come back and you're fucking a demon and lie about it, then I find out on top of all of that you hate being around me.”

"Don't go there Dean, the only reason I had anything to do with Ruby was because believe it or not I do love you and living without you was the hardest damn thing I’ve ever had to do. It was hard when I went to Stanford but you were alive Dean how do you think I felt knowing you were in Hell because of me?"

Dean knew if he didn’t keep walking he would fall for it, he would give in to Sam and even though he was angry and hurt, it was hurting him to walk away from Sam. But that was how he got into his mess, letting Sam back in and he had to just stop it from happening or his life would just be one continuous cycle of them hurting each other. Dean turned down a street and saw an intersection ahead, it was busy but if he could cross it he could circle back to his car or find another one to steal since Sam knew what he was driving.

"Did you ever think I was with Ruby or did the demon blood for the same reason you're high as a kite and drunk as hell? I know it is a hell of a lot worse but it’s the only thing that kept me together, just like you're smoking weed and stung out on blow because if you didn’t get high you’d barely be able to stand it. That’s how I feel without you Dean and I want you to come with me more than anything but even more than that I want you to stop getting high because I can’t lose you, not like that.”

Dean came to the intersection and had to stop. He swore under his breath when he realized it was too busy to cross and Sam had him cornered. He saw an alley out of the corner of his eye but he didn't know if it was a dead end. He would normally never get trapped like this, if he were hunting he would have known at least five ways to get out of this before it even happened and had an escape route planned in his head but Sam was making emotions he could not control overtake him and it was clouding his judgment.

Sam took a chance, he knew he would most likely get punched but he didn't care. He grabbed Dean's wrist and pulled him toward the alley.

Dean stumbled forward, he was too fucked up to put up a fight because Sam would be able to overpower him in seconds. If he wasn’t so drunk, Dean would never have been cornered and Sam would never be able to overpower him. Dean balled his fist up but resisted the intense urge to punch his brother.

"Let go of me, bitch!"

Sam pushed Dean up against the wall, standing in front of Dean pinning him down. "Hear me out, then if you want to beat my ass, you can."

Dean was looking down, trying to get his breathing under control, his fist was clenched hard

"Punch me Dean, if it'll make you feel better."

"Don't fucking tempt me Sam, I won't want to stop."

Sam let go of Dean’s shoulders and put them on the wall behind him, then backed up enough for Dean to be able to get a shot in. "Do it."

Dean avoided Sam's eyes, he put his hands on Sam's chest and pushed him hard. Sam couldn’t let him get away so he grabbed his wrists and held them tight, as Dean struggled to keep his balance.

Sam let Dean calm down for a minute then stepped closer. His face was inches from Dean's, he desperately wanted to kiss him but desperately tried to focus.

"Do you want to punch me, Dean?"

"Yes."

"Then do it. I want you to."

"Why should I give you anything you want?”

"Do you want to do anything else?"

Dean shot Sam a dirty look. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Do you love me, Dean?"

"Don't ask stupid fucking questions. Let me fucking go, have the life you always wanted Sam."

"The only life I want is one with you in it."

Dean scoffed, "Bull fucking shit. That's why you ran away, at least five times I can think of. I mean you said yourself that you were happy in Flagstaff. While you lived off of Funyuns and Mr. Pibb and had a great time with your dog, I was out looking everywhere for you. I thought you were fucking dead, Sam. I was when dad came home because you ran away on my watch. He…” Dean let out a slow breath then continued, “Or why you picked Ruby over me...and so much other shit, I don't even...we were supposed to be a team Sammy, you and me against the world…not each other."

“That’s not how it is and you know it.”

“Do I? Because it sure the hell seems like it.”

Dean slid a hand through his hair then lit a cigarette.

"Fine, answer one question. Do you hate me? If the answer is yes, then go, but if you ever had real feelings for me...no matter what kind of feelings they are...."

Sam couldn't do it, he knew he had gotten plenty of second chances with Dean and still managed to fuck things up more times than he could even remember and he had no idea how to get Dean to forgive him or even to just stop and listen to him.

Dean scrubbed his hand over his face, he knew this was going to happen. He never in his life had been able to stay mad at Sam no matter what he did or how much he hurt him. Dean could feel himself slowly cracking, he loved Sam too much to be mad at him but he also loved him so much that it absolutely killed him too. Sam always knew how to get to him, but Dean knew he had to be strong and not let Sam get to him because he could not take giving in only to have his heart broken again because if it happened one more time he knew he would never be able to recover from it.

"I know I’m the..."

Sam felt his eyes water but didn't care. He looked down at the ground, if he looked into Dean’s eyes and saw the pain he had caused him, he knew he would lose it.

"Fine, if you hate me that much...I can see why. I know you hate yourself Dean and I hate myself too but you have no fucking reason to hate yourself, you're the most incredible, selfless brother. I was so fucking stupid, I had the most amazingly perfect person every day, and I walked away from that. I fucking hate myself for it, more and more every time I did it, but I couldn't be around you Dean. I wanted you and you didn’t want me and I saw what you did to yourself to give me the life that you never had, how you stopped at nothing to make me happy and protect me. I hated watching dad force you to give up everything you ever wanted, to make you risk your life constantly and put everything and everyone above yourself. You never complained, you never gave up on me but you should have. I even tried to make you hate me sometimes because I thought it would be easier but even then you still just… I couldn't stop myself from wanting you..."

Tears were flowing down both of their faces. Sam choked back a sob and continued to look at the ground. "But that day we went to Heaven...you have to know Dean...I can’t have you hate me more than you already do and you need to know that was not my best memory, every single one of them were the absolute worst days of my life. Going to Stanford was like my own personal hell because every day was…” Sam bit down on his lip hard then continued, “I spent the entire time wondering if you would ever even talk to me again, hating myself because I fucked up and afraid I would never be able to make it up to you. I couldn’t call because I couldn’t keep it together long enough to not totally lose it when I heard your voice but I dialed your number several hundred times a day. That day you came to get me, seeing you for the first time in four years…was one of the best days ever because even though I fucked up, and even though I hurt you so much and…and you never deserved any of that because you always did every damn thing for me, but you went back to exactly the way things had always been, pretended nothing ever happened.”

Sam cleared his throat and slid his hand over his wet eyes, “And I know how much it hurt you because it hurt me too and...God, I should just let you fucking go. I love you that much Dean...I want you with everything in me I know I will never ever be happy without you but I have done nothing but drag you down, you wasted your life taking care of me always pulling my ass out of the fire, forgiving me even though I didn't deserve any of it and as much as you should, I just can’t have you hate me, Dean. If I ever had a chance with you…I swear I would never do anything to hurt you ever again."

"Shut up, Sam."

Sam looked up for the first time since he started talking. He was sure Dean was going to either punch him or shove past him and walk out of his life forever. But Sam never expected what Dean did next.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Dean jerked Sam forward and crushed his lips to his brother's. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tight, kissing him deeper and deeper, his tongue greedily sweeping around Sam’s mouth like he couldn’t get enough. Sam moaned and closed his eyes, Dean’s lips felt even more incredible than he could ever have imagined. They were surprisingly soft but he should have expected that because Dean’s lips were so damn full and plump. They were velvety smooth and tender with just the right amount of give, it was the only part of his brother that wasn’t tight and hard like his muscles, the only part that was almost delicate, and even now he knew if he ever said anything about it Dean would punch him like he had the one and only time Sam pointed out his freckles.

Sam felt his heart racing, his heartbeat pounding loud in his ears. He felt Dean’s hand move across his jaw and grip a fistful of his hair as his other hand continued to cradle his face, his thumb caressing his cheek. Dean turned his head for a better angle, his hand tugging down harder on his hair as Sam moaned and clutched Dean tighter. Dean felt all the anger and resentment he had held onto for years melting away. He was suddenly hit with all of the feelings he had ignored for so long, the longing to be with Sam and the intense desire and need to have his brother.

When Sam opened his eyes he had to blink away tears and was surprised that Dean's eyes were filled with just as many tears as his were, his vision got blurrier but Dean continued kissing him. Sam felt Dean's fingers slide across his eyelids, then his hand rested on the small of his back and he jerked him closer.

Dean spun Sam around and pressed him up against the brick wall, Sam moaned and jerked Dean forward so he was as close as possible. Dean let out a deep groan as he started thrusting against Sam, his hand still wrapped in Sam’s hair as he kissed him feverishly. Sam felt heat coursing through his body as Dean’s hand slid down his side, when it got to his thigh Dean squeezed it and pulled it up, wrapping it around his waist. Dean shifted slightly as they began thrusting against each other. When Sam felt Dean’s erection against his, Sam’s breathing quickened, it felt so damn good he slid his hand down Dean’s back and held him tighter, rolling his hips. Sam tightened his leg around Dean’s waist, thrusting harder into him.

Suddenly they were hard core making out, hands groping each other as the kiss got hotter and so intense they were panting against each other’s lips but neither wanted to break away so they continued giving each other sloppy kisses until finally they were forced to pull back for the first time since their lips had met. They looked at each other for a split second then crushed their lips back together despite the fact they were panting heavily, struggling to breathe. Sam tentatively slid his hand further down Dean’s back, pausing a few seconds as Dean turned the kiss up even more. Sam had never in his life been kissed like this or felt anything remotely as incredible, it was orgasmic and he could hardly imagine what complete ecstasy it would be to finally have sex with Dean. Sam got so caught up in it he grabbed Dean’s ass hard, massaging his fingers into the firm, perfectly sculpted muscle. He always thought that Dean had the most incredibly perfect ass and he could hardly believe he was touching it, actually he was groping it hard but Dean seemed to like it because Sam could feel his cock, pressed tight against his own, reacting to it, growing harder and it felt so damn big, making him so damn horny it was taking every ounce of self-control not to beg Dean to fuck him.

Sam was getting dizzy, between the lack of oxygen, the mind blowing kiss, and the fact that Dean seemed to want him just as much had Sam flustered and hornier than he had ever been in his entire life. Dean pulled back and moved to Sam’s neck, he was sucking down hard, breathing heavily which made it feel like flames tearing across the places he had licked. Sam felt his teeth graze against his earlobe and moaned Dean’s name. He almost came when he heard Dean make a sexy noise, Sam’s hand slid up Dean’s neck and curled through his short hair. Dean licked up behind Sam’s ear then made his way back to Sam’s lips. After several more long minutes of passionate making out Dean slowed the kiss down until he was pressing soft kisses to Sam's lips. He pressed his forehead against Sam's and closed his eyes.

"I could never hate you, Sammy." Dean whispered.

Sam had totally forgotten their entire conversation, even their fight. Hell, he nearly forgot who the Hell he was. They had made out for nearly twenty minutes, and Sam was still in a daze from the fact this was even happening. He knew kissing Dean would be incredible, but it was the single most mind blowing, hottest most perfect thing he had ever experienced and he could hardly wait for more because if just kissing felt that good, sex was going to be epic. Before Sam even had a chance to respond, Dean leaned in and kissed him several more times then he reached down and took Sam's hand. He pulled Sam as he started walking, they didn't say a word to each other on the walk back to the parking lot, Dean's finger was caressing his wrist until they were standing in front of the Impala. Sam figured Dean was thinking things over, he really hoped he was not beating himself up for stupid reasons like he always did. He most likely felt that their argument was entirely his fault or that he was stupid for not making a move sooner but Sam didn’t want to bring any of it up. As much as he wanted to reassure him that none of it was his fault, and that they needed to forget the past and enjoy what they now had he knew Dean was eternally hard on himself and he wanted to make him forget about all of it. He figured he would just take Dean’s mind off of things once they got in the Impala.

By now almost all of the cars at the bar were gone. Dean turned to Sam and kissed him, running his fingers through his hair as he walked backwards until he felt himself back against the Impala. He picked Sam up and set him on the hood. Sam wrapped his arm around Dean's neck and pulled him closer, leaning down to kiss him, as the kiss got more intense Dean wrapped his arm around Sam's waist and pulled him near the edge so he could be closer. His hand slid down Sam's thigh, gripping it tight then pulling it around his waist as he shifted and started rocking into his brother. 

Sam groaned and wrapped his arms tighter around Dean, sliding a hand up his neck and the other down his chest. Dean's hand had been holding Sam's jaw as his fingers caressed his face. His hand slid up and curled through Sam's hair. He carded it through, then as the kiss got more and more intense, he started grabbing handfuls. Sam's hand slid up Dean's shirt, firmly pressing into his pecs then flicking Dean's nipples as he felt Dean tug on his hair harder. 

Dean moaned as Sam brought his other hand around and traced his fingers over Dean's abs. Dean was pressing into him harder, both of them about to lose it because they had never wanted anything more than this, and to finally be so close was making them hornier than they ever hard been. They both moaned into each other's mouth when they thrust into each other and felt their erections rub tightly causing an intense heated friction. Sam pulled back, gasping his brother's name as Dean started sucking more hickeys down on the other side of his neck.

Sam sucked in a breath and grabbed a fistful of Dean's hair when he felt his brother's plump lips curve against his neck. As he started making his way up, Dean kissed and sucked down harder, when Sam tugged on Dean’s hair, Dean moaned and thrust against him harder. Sam jerked Dean’s head over and kissed him, his tongue forcing its way into his brother’s mouth. Dean grunted and tightened his arms around Sam’s waist, sliding his hands down and grabbing his ass hard.

Sam felt Dean lift him up, he automatically put his other leg around Dean's waist as he picked him up off of the hood and thrust into him. Sam forgot how fucked up Dean was, as he started pushing into Dean harder he stumbled back but caught himself before they both toppled over and fell on the ground. He leaned against the Impala for better balance then put both hands on Sam's ass, pushing him into his thrusts, kissing him harder as he thrust a few more times then set Sam back down before he dropped him. Dean slowly backed up, his lips still on Sam's. Sam reached down and ran his hand up the growing bulge in Dean's jeans. Sam’s breathing quickened as Dean pressed tighter against Sam’s hand and started pushing against it. Sam heard Dean moan his name, his voice dripping pure sex. Sam tightened his grip around his brother’s denim trapped erection, Dean grunted and pushed his hips harder then pulled back.

"Wanna get in?" Dean asked, nodding toward the back of the Impala, his voice suddenly deeper and strained. Sam nodded but pulled Dean closer, kissing him intensely as he wrapped his hand around Dean’s cock. "Mmm yeah...can't..."

Sam felt Dean's lips curve into a smile and pulled back, his eyebrows knitted together as he looked into Dean’s dark pupil blown eyes. "Can’t what?"

Dean shook his head and went back in for another kiss, when he looked into Sam's eyes and realized he was giving him the puppy eyes he sighed. "Nothin'...just... didn't think you wanted it that bad."

Sam held Dean's face in his hands and jerked it closer. "I want you more than anything, always have. I was just too stupid to realize that you…I know I fucked up royally and I know you'll never be able to-"

Dean caught Sam's lips in a kiss and pulled him closer. Sam closed his eyes and moaned, it was a mind blowing kiss, he could hardly believe his hardass brother could be so sensual but the kiss started out that way, quickly turning up as Dean let years of pent up lust and the need to be with his brother take over.

“Just…stop. I’m tired of….” Dean shook his head and traced a finger down Sam’s face as he continued kissing him, muttering against his lips because he couldn’t pull away. “Let’s just forget about…we finally...”

Dean finally gave up, too horny to try and string together a coherent sentence but Sam knew what he was saying. They continued to make out, the kiss getting deeper and more intense. Dean had his hand firmly on Sam’s ass as Sam's hand pushed its way between them. Sam ran his hand over his brother's chest, slowly working his way down until he was running it back over his erection. He felt it twitch hard as he cupped his hand tightly around it. Dean started pushing his hips into Sam's hand to get more stimulation as Sam ran his finger up the fly of Dean's jeans. Dean moaned into his mouth and slid his hand inside Sam's jeans, massaging his hand into the firm muscle. Sam fumbled with Dean's belt before huffing impatiently, looking up at Dean. Dean reached down and undid his belt, when he went to unbutton his jeans Sam slapped his hand away.

Dean chuckled under his breath. “You horny or something?”

Sam nodded as he quickly undid the button after struggling with it for several seconds. He was so horny he could barely remember how to work a zipper. He carefully pushed it down, praying he didn't get anything caught because Dean's cock was stretching the denim to its limit. Sam gasped as Dean traced a finger down his ass and teased it over his rim, barely slipping the tip of his finger inside. Sam pushed back to get him to slide it in further, but Dean grinned and continued teasing him. Sam felt Dean bite down on his lip and pull on it as his hand plunged inside Dean’s boxers and made a fist and began to quickly jerk and twist it up and down, tightening his grip.

Dean moaned and pulled back. "Uhhh  _fuck_...C'mon Sammy...backseat...killing me."

Sam smiled, Dean still could barely string together a coherent sentence. Sam pushed Dean back a little, when he tired going back further to get in the car Sam grabbed his hip firmly to stop him. He jerked his jeans and boxers down enough so he could lick a stripe up Dean's cock.

 _"Shit!"_  Dean bit down on his lip hard, moaning as Sam sucked down hard on the head of his cock. Dean grabbed a handful of Sam’s hair and tightened his grip as Sam teased his tongue around, dipping it into the slit and lapping up the precome that was sweating out. Dean pushed his hips up and pushed down on Sam’s head, grunting as Sam sucked down harder.

“Fuck Sammy, keep that up and I’m gonna have to fuck you right here...” Dean paused as he moaned finishing breathlessly panting as Sam took more of his dick in and bobbed his head a few times. “I’ll bend you over my car…fuck the hell outta you in this parking lot.”

Dean looked down and saw his brother shrug. When Sam slowly pulled all the way off then took his entire dick into his mouth Dean bit down hard on his lip to stifle the loud moan, yelling out Sam’s name between clenched teeth.

Dean put his hand under Sam’s chin and pushed his head up so he was forced to look into his eyes. Dean cursed under his breath, seeing Sam’s lips stretched across his cock almost made him lose it. He gripped Sam’s hair tight and tugged on it until Sam had no choice but to pull off. Dean jerked Sam up and locked his lips against his brother’s. He kissed him fiercely as he maneuvered them to the back passenger door of the Impala and opened it, pulling away from Sam long enough to push him down into the car and climb in after him.

As soon as Dean had the door closed, Sam grabbed him and pulled him down. Dean nudged Sam’s legs apart and settled in between them. Sam spread his legs open wider, hooking a leg over the back of the front seat. Dean thrust into Sam hard, leaning down to kiss him as Sam wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and jerked him down closer.

Sam saw a smile spread across his face and licked his lips, watching Dean’s eyes flicker down to them. When Sam gave him a questioning look, Dean bit down on his lip and grinned and in a low voice, almost daring Sam to do something said, “Love it when you take control, Sammy.”

Dean’s grin widened as Sam shoved him down so he was lying across the seat. Sam straddled Dean's hips, when he leaned down to kiss him he noticed Dean hesitate and paused. Dean bit down on his lip, almost afraid to ask, “Sure you want to do this?”

“Fuck yeah, I swear I’ll never ever be able to stop, so don’t worry about me-”

Dean licked his lips and smiled seductively at Sam. “Then what’re you waiting for?”

Sam closed the space between them, pressing his lips firmly to Dean’s as Dean reached up and started sliding his hand through Sam’ hair while Sam started rolling his hips and pressing tight against his brother, moaning when his throbbing erection pressed against Dean’s.

Just as the kiss started getting more heated, Sam grabbed Dean’s shirt and tugged on it until Dean got the hint and sat up. Dean tore his lips away from Sam’s long enough for Sam to rip it over his head and toss it in the front seat. Dean grinned and went to pull Sam’s shirt off but Sam slapped his hand away and pressed his hands down on Dean’s chest. He slid his hands over Dean’s nipples, when he started tweaking them Dean jerked his head down and kissed him, his tongue greedily parting Sam’s lips as he kissed him and their tongues explored each other’s mouth then intertwined.

Dean moaned as Sam pinched down on his nipple hard. Just as Dean was siding his hand down Sam’s jeans, Sam suddenly pulled back and sat up.

"Wait," Sam said leaning over the front seat.

Dean sat up, "Sammy, what're you doing? I've got lube."

"There's something I wanted you to wear, hang on." Sam said digging through his bag that was sitting on the front seat.

"Oh God, Sammy, c’mon. I hate condoms..." Dean sighed as Sam continued to look. “If it's not a magnum, forget it. You should know better. I can barely even fit into those as it is, and why the hell do I even need to-"

Dean fell silent when Sam sat back and he saw the amulet in his hand.

"Fuck," Dean whispered, eyes flickering to Sam's then back down as Sam put it around his neck. "I thought I'd never...Look, I know I was, um..."

Dean had never been good with words when it came to talking about his feelings, and Sam knew it. Sam knew how Dean felt even if he couldn't say it. Sam opened his mouth but as soon as he looked up, Dean crushed his lips to his, kissing Sam hard and rolling him around so he was laying underneath him. Dean was straddling Sam, pressing tight against him as he started rocking his hips into him, kissing Sam passionately as his hand slid up Sam's chest then grabbed a handful of his hair and started tugging on it.

Sam moaned into his mouth, Dean's tongue was swirling around every inch then finally it intertwined with Sam's. The kiss continued to deepen until Dean suddenly knelt back and curled Sam's shirt in his fist, jerking Sam up by the shirt, then ripping it off and flinging it in the front seat. Dean wrapped his arms around Sam, kissing fiercely into his mouth as he started pushing him back down. As soon as Dean laid over Sam they both moaned and began humping into each other, the feeling of their bare skin touching making everything more intense.

Dean started fumbling with Sam’s jeans but Sam kept getting caught up in the incredible ecstasy of Dean kissing and touching him, forgetting his plan to make Dean forget about everything. He was pretty sure anything that had happened in the past decade was far from what he was actually thinking about but Sam had spent his entire life having Dean do everything for him, and although he wanted Dean to fuck him so badly he was about to lose his mind he knew Dean seemed to like it when he took charge and got forceful with him so he tried sitting up, shoving him back hard.

Sam shifted to the side and curled his fingers into the belt loops and jerked Dean’s jeans down in one motion. Dean licked his lips and grinned, he figured Sam was going to be shy but he loved that he wasn't he loved that he was taking control and being aggressive. Sam leaned down and kissed Dean, just when he was starting to get into the kiss, Sam pulled away and worked his way to Dean's neck. He kissed down his jaw as his hand slid down Dean's face and neck to his chest. As Sam started kissing Dean's neck, his hand was running across his perfectly sculpted pec muscle, then he started teasing his finger over his nipple.

Sam started sucking on Dean's neck as his fingers tweaked Dean's nipples. Dean moaned and grabbed a fistful of Sam's hair. He thrust his hips up desperate for stimulation, Sam ran a hand down his abdomen and when he got to his boxers he slowly ran his finger down his brother's cock. Dean sucked in a breath as Sam bit down where his neck and shoulder met and palmed Dean's erection, feeling it reacting to him biting down.

"Fuck Sammy...so damn horny."

Sam pulled back and kissed Dean, pressing his hand tighter against his dick. Dean groaned and pushed his hips up, Sam cupped his hand tighter, feeling his brother’s big thick cock hot and hard as hell through the thin fabric of his boxers and it was driving him insane because he wanted Dean to fuck him so damn bad.

Sam slowly eased his hand back, tracing a finger over his erection then back up his stomach. Dean made an impatient noise and pushed his hips up, Sam put a hand firmly on his hip as he started sucking on his nipples, teasing his finger across Dean's hip bones and down his thighs.

"Sammy," Dean moaned softly pushing down on his head as Sam started biting down on his nipples, he liked when he got a reaction of Dean because it was so hot to hear him moan and say his name in his deep sexy voice, so Sam continued to tease him.

"Fuck, De...so hot."

Sam started sucking down on his nipples harder, when he grazed his teeth across Dean's hand grabbed a fistful of his hair and pushed his head down. When Sam lightly bit down Dean grunted and pushed his hips up so Sam started biting hard.

"You like that?"

"Mmm hmm," Dean moaned, teeth biting hard into his perfect lips, making them even fuller. "Sink your teeth in me, fucking love it."

Sam bit down hard, Dean gasped then moaned his name as Sam bit down harder and pinched his other nipple hard. Dean's eyes slammed shut, his head leaning back against the door and his hips were thrusting hard. Dean slid his hand into his boxers and started stoking his cock. Sam was about to slap his hand away but it was hot as hell. He tugged on Dean's boxers, Dean lifted his hips up and Sam jerked them down, trying not to hyperventilate while he watched Dean jerk his fist up his cock.

Dean opened his eyes when he realized Sam was no longer laying over him. His eyes met Sam's, they were so dark, his growing pupils eclipsing every trace of green. Dean grinned and licked his lips, getting into it more when he saw how much Sam was effected by it. He moaned and started pushing his hips into his fist, staring into Sam's eyes. Sam pinched Dean's nipple hard, twisting it as Dean started getting louder, it was one of the hottest things he had ever seen until Dean slid his fingers in his mouth then spread his legs apart and started tracing a finger over his rim.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Sam muttered as he ran a hand over the front of his jeans. They were suddenly too tight but he was so astronomically horny he couldn’t even remember how to breathe.

"What's wrong Sammy? Making you too horny?" Dean grinned devilishly at him and slowly slid his tongue across his lips then bit down on them and groaned as he slowly eased a finger in, jerking his fist quicker. "I...I can stop..."

"N-no!" Sam leaned down and kissed Dean, quickly pulling back so he could watch.

Dean chuckled and slid another finger in, sucking in a breath then moaning as he scissored his fingers around. As soon as he started pounding down on them Sam shoved Dean's hand off of his cock and leaned in licking a stripe up it. Sam tugged on Dean's arm, he slowly eased his fingers out and moaned as Sam wrapped his fist around his cock and slid his tongue slowly across, lightly sucking down as jerked his hand up and down.

Sam spread the precome down Dean's shaft, slowly teasing his tongue back up then moving his tongue across Dean’s abdomen and over his hip bones. Dean pushed his hips up, grabbing a handful of Sam's hair trying to guide him over to suck his dick but Sam was teasing his tongue around, moving when he got near his dick.

“Sammy…” Dean whined when Sam exhaled sharply, sending a rush of heat across all the places he had just licked.

“Yeah? Whaddya want me to do?”

“Bend over, let me fuck the hell outta that tight ass.”

“Don’t want me to give you head?”

“Not if you’re gonna tease me, so fucking horny.”

Dean groaned when Sam started sucking down on the head of his cock. Biting down hard on his lip, swearing as Sam slowly took more in. Dean pushed his head down, his fist gripping Sam's hair tighter.

When Sam moaned Dean sucked in a breath, "Mmm yeah, you like your hair being pulled, huh?"

Sam took more of Dean's cock in so when he answered him it would send a vibration across. "Mmm hmm."

 _"Fuck,_  that's so damn hot. Like sucking my dick too, don’t you?"

Sam pulled back and swirled his tongue around, flicking it over every sensitive spot, then sucking down hard, hallowing his cheeks out and taking over half of Dean's cock in until it was hitting the back of his throat. Dean moaned as Sam hummed a loud agreement, feeling his dick throb as it began to curve down his brother’s throat while Sam’s tongue eagerly flicked across every sensitive spot.

 _"Fuck_ ," Dean muttered as Sam slowly inched down more then pulled back and jerked his fist up quickly as he licked Dean's balls and sucked down lightly on them. "Such a fucking tease, shit."

When Sam took all of his cock in and started bobbing his head up and down Dean sucked in a breath and groaned as he thrust lightly into his brother’s mouth. "Mmm yeah, show me how bad you wanna suck my cock...how much you love having your big brother's dick in your mouth."

Sam sucked down hard, Dean started swearing in a strained voice, biting on his lip hard, his breathing rapid and back arching up as he leaned his head back against the door and pushed his hips forward, relishing the feeling of the wet heat surrounding his cock. “Son of a fucking  _bitch_ , Sammy. Ohhh shit!"

Sam slowly pulled off then took his cock back in even slower, flicking his tongue roughly up the bulging vein then over his slit. Dean groaned as Sam slowly went down further then ran his tongue over the sensitive spot just below the head of his cock. Dean bit down on his lip, grunting as he felt Sam’s teeth just barely graze him, it actually felt really good because his cock was so over sensitized.

Sam had one hand wrapped around Dean’s cock, twisting it up and down as he tightened his fist and the other hand was sliding up and down Dean’s muscular thigh. Dean reached down and grabbed Sam’s hand, bringing it up to his mouth he licked his fingers then started sucking on them hard. He felt Sam moan, sending a pleasureful vibration across his dick. Dean took Sam’s fingers out of his mouth and guided his hand down. He spread his legs further apart and pushed Sam’s finger over his rim.

Sam was so turned on by the fact Dean wanted to be fingered, he groaned, causing Dean’s back to arch high, plunging his cock further down Sam’s throat. Sam carefully slid his finger inside Dean's ass, moaning when he felt how damn tight his brother's ass was. Dean started pushing down on his finger so Sam slid another one in. Dean was pounding down on Sam's fingers as they massaged into his prostate, swearing through gritted teeth. It felt so damn good he was afraid if he opened his mouth he would scream. Dean grabbed a fistful of Sam’s hair, as Sam thrust his fingers in and sucked down harder, when Dean felt his cock curve down his brother’s throat he started gripping Sam’s hair so tight his knuckles were turning white.

"Fuck! C'mon Sammy," Dean started pushing on Sam's head but Sam wouldn't pull off. "Goddamn I need to fuck you...stop before you make me come."

Sam shook his head and started sucking down harder, his tongue swirling around wildly as he felt his brother's cock curve further down his throat. Dean let out a string of obscenities and deep sexy moans as Sam's fingers thrust in deeper.

"Mmm Sammy, best goddamn...fucking blow-ohhh shit!" Dean was moaning incoherently, grabbing fistfuls of Sam's hair as he thrust into the incredible wet heat of his brother's mouth. Sam moaned, he loved feeling Dean's dick in his mouth, being the reason Dean was making the hottest damn noises ever and tasting the precome that was sweating out of his cock.

"If I wasn't so fucking drunk right now... _Fuck!_  I…I-I'd be busting a nut in your mouth."

Sam hummed, sending a jolt across Dean's sensitized cock. Dean's hand was shoving Sam's head down, his fingers curling in tight as Sam continued to moan, nearly sending him over the edge. Pleasure overtook Dean as he thrust into Sam's mouth, shuddering as his brother's fingers pounded into his prostate.

"Shit, Sammy!" Dean growled as Sam bobbed his head up and down faster, pounding his fingers into Dean’s prostate and rolling his balls as Dean began shaking under him. He moaned as Dean thrust harder, pushing his head down as he fucked his face. Dean choked back a sob, moaning and groaning louder as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Fuck yeah, you're loving it aren't you? Yeah, me too." Dean paused and moaned, "Gonna fuck you so damn hard…can’t wait to tear that tight ass up, c'mon Sammy, wanna be in you so damn bad.” 

Sam shook his head. Dean stopped thrusting, Sam seemed to respond to him talking dirty so Dean pushed Sam’s head up and looked into his eyes.

"Don't worry you can taste my come later. You can suck my dick as much as you want, next time I’ll come so hard down your throat…but right now I can’t fucking wait, wanna fuck you and give you a mindblowing orgasm. Then find a motel…make you climax all fucking night." Dean sucked in a breath as Sam slowly pulled off then quickly bobbed his head up and down. “Spent the rest of my life making you feel noting but pure fucking ecstasy.”

Sam couldn’t wait a second longer, he pulled back, breathless, pupils dark and his face flushed. Dean shoved him back and straddled his hips leaning down to kiss fiercely into his mouth then pulled back, making an impatient noise.

“Why the fuck you still wearing these damn things?”

Dean jerked Sam’s jeans and boxers down, as soon as they were off Dean nudged his legs open and laid over him. Just as Dean began kissing him, Sam spread his legs further apart and felt Dean's lips curve into a smile. Dean shifted and their cocks, slick with precome and Sam’s spit, slid against each other. They both moaned, Dean had a handful of Sam's hair and his other hand on Sam’s thigh. When Sam shifted and splayed his legs open more, Dean groaned and pulled back, grinning.

"Mmm yeah so hot when you’re all horny. Desperate to feel my big fat cock in that tight ass, aren't you?"

Sam nodded, wrapping his leg tightly around Dean's waist and pushing him closer as he hooked a leg around the back of the front seat. He lifted his hips up and pressed his ass against Dean's cock. Dean let out a slow breath, teasing his cock over Sam's rim, using every ounce of restraint not to just thrust into Sam as hard as he possibly could and never stop. Dean's hand shook as he teased his cock barely inside Sam and winced when he felt how incredibly tight his ass was. Dean closed his eyes and slid his cock across his rim again, moaning. It felt so damn good, like hot velvet against his pulsating cock he had never wanted anything more, never been attracted to anyone but Sam or fantasized about anything other than this right here, and he had never been hornier in his life.

Dean leaned down and kissed Sam softly, resting his head against Sam’s. “Damn I can’t wait to be inside you.”

“Dean…please…I-I…”

Dean slid his hands down Sam’s thighs and shoved them up, leaning down as he slid his tongue across Sam’s rim. Sam was about to protest until he felt Dean’s tongue enter him. He groaned as Dean gently eased a finger in underneath and spread him open. His tongue darted around along the silky smooth skin. By the time Dean had worked Sam open, Sam was pounding down on his fingers begging Dean to fuck him. Dean slowly worked his pinky in underneath his fingers and carefully thrust them in a few more times until he was sure that Sam was ready.

“Dean,” Sam moaned against his brother’s lips as Dean laid over him and carefully began to tease his cock just barely in and out of Sam.

Dean kissed Sam hard, groaning when he slid in a little further. “So damn tight and perfect…fuck, Sammy. Gonna be fucking….uhh shit.”

Sam clutched Dean tight and held his breath as Dean started easing the head of his cock into him. Dean was watching him, Sam knew he was making sure he didn’t react so he would know if he was hurting him. Dean thrust in a little more, Sam bit back the pain, trying his best not to flinch when his brother’s huge girth started stretching him out. Dean tried thrusting in and winced, Sam’s ass was so damn tight it was almost painful, he could hardly wait to be able to pound in full force.

Dean circled his hips and pulled out, thrusting back in until he started to feel Sam open up more. Dean put his hands on Sam’s thighs and pushed them up further as he thrust in. He let out a moan and bit down on his lip. It was feeling good as hell but he wanted to make sure Sam could handle it before he started pummeling into him but it was getting harder and harder to hold back because every time he thrust in he felt a rush of pleasure and a strong urge to just hump into Sam as hard as he could and never stop.

Sam had his eyes closed, Dean eased back out and in slowly. When Sam seemed ok with it, Dean thrust in harder, each time going in a little more. Just as he thrust in all the way Sam’s eyes flew open and he let out a loud moan.

Dean licked his lips and grinned as he started rocking his hips in harder and faster. “Feel good?”

“Fuck yeah…you should um, you know…harder.”

Dean started chuckling but it was cut off when Sam started pushing into him and he felt a jolt of pleasure. Dean pressed Sam’s thighs up higher, his hands gripping tighter as he pulled all the way out then thrust in hard.

“What’re you laughing at, jerk?”

“Nothing…I just…figured you’d still kinda be a prude.” Dean grinned when Sam gave him a bitchface. “It’s okay, I’ll fix that. We’re gonna be fucking everywhere, all the time…I mean, if you want.”

“I do. But I called you a jerk...”

Dean had his eyes closed, biting on his lip as he slowly pulled out then thrust in hard, snapping his hips tight against Sam. Dean moaned as he felt Sam clench down on him tight. “Mmm yeah, so?”

When Sam was quiet, Dean opened his eyes and smirked. “Wait…you want me to call you my bitch, don’t you?”

Sam shrugged and moved his leg so it was over the back of the front seat then started pushing up to meet Dean’s thrusts.

Dean licked his lips and grinned. “Yeah, look at you, opening up for me. Wanna be my bitch, Sammy? Maybe that’s why I spent my whole life calling you one. Thought about fucking you nice and hard all the damn time, and it’s the best fucking…mmm shit ….”

Dean started sucking down on Sam’s neck, biting down when Sam moaned and grabbed a handful of his hair. Dean tightened his grip on Sam’s thigh and pushed it up further, groaning as he was able to plunge in deeper. He started sucking down harder, leaning back as he worked his way down Sam’s chest, kissing and sucking a trail to his nipples.

Sam bit down on his lip as Dean’s tongue flicked his nipple hard then started biting down. Dean’s fingers tweaked Sam’s other nipple and as he felt Sam shuddering underneath him, Dean slowly pulled out then bit down as he thrust in hard and fast. Sam’s fingers dug into Dean’s shoulders, leaving deep scratches that had Dean groaning as his teeth tore into Sam’s nipple. Dean reached up and tugged on Sam’s hair, Sam threw his head back as Dean shifted and bucked his hips hard. Sam felt pleasure pulsing through his entire body and started pushing into Dean.

Dean knelt back and thrust hard and fast, rocking his hips in a steady motion. Sam gasped and closed his eyes, Dean’s cock was hammering into his prostate so hard it took his breath away. It felt indescribably amazing. His mouth fell open as Dean began thrusting harder, pushing his thighs up until he was practically folding Sam in half.

Dean felt Sam getting tighter around him, he groaned and bit his lip hard, and continued to pummel into Sam with hard powerful thrusts. Sam started shuddering hard as he felt his brother’s dick slam repeatedly against his prostate, making it feel like every nerve was firing off and every cell in his body was being stimulated.

“Shit, getting so damn tight...” Dean groaned as his dick plunged in and out of his brother’s incredible tight heat. “So fucking good, Sammy…”

Dean eased out then rammed into Sam as hard as he could, Sam was writhing around humping into Dean harder. It felt like his spine was liquefying, he felt boneless and each time he felt Dean enter him it was pure blissful ecstasy.

“Dean! Jesus fucking Christ…ohhh motherfucking… _fuck!”_

“Hittin’ that sweet spot just right, aren’t I?”

When Sam nodded hard Dean inched Sam’s thighs up more, Sam was sure if he pushed them up any further his spine would snap in half but it felt so damn incredible he didn’t give a single fuck.

“Huh…h-harder!” Sam spat out between moans.

Dean licked his lips then bit down on them hard as he thrust as hard as he could, the Impala was swaying and rocking back and forth hard, windows steamed up and it suddenly felt like it was a thousand degrees. Dean stooped down and pulled Sam’s legs up so they were now over his shoulders. He moved one hand to Sam’s hip to pull him into every thrust and wrapped the other around Sam’s cock.

Sam had his eyes closed, when he felt Dean’s fist perfectly grip his dick and start jerking and twisting up and down his eyes flew open. As soon as Sam’s eyes met Dean’s he felt an orgasm slowly building in his spine. Dean’s teeth were tearing into his lips and they looked swollen and fuller than ever. Sam groaned and reached up, pulling Dean’s shoulders until he leaned down and started kissing him.

They were gasping and panting, moaning and groaning as they attempted to give each other sloppy kisses. Dean circled his hips then plunged deep into his brother as he felt him getting tighter and tighter. Sam yelled out his brother’s name as he started coming, Dean moaned as he felt Sam clench down hard, tightening around his cock like a vice.

“Dean, fuck! So fucking….oh God, so damn good…”

Dean circled his hips until he was able to start thrusting in and out, hearing his brother getting louder and yelling his name gave him what he needed to pound into him hard. His muscles had been burning from fucking into him so hard but now he felt a rush of adrenaline, he wanted Sam to have to best orgasm possible.

As Dean started coming, Sam was climaxing hard. He was babbling and moaning incoherently, his vision was blurry and he was feeling so much pleasure it felt like he was going to burst. Dean rode out his orgasm, thrusting as hard as he could until Sam stopped shaking, then carefully pulled out and nudged Sam over as he collapsed down next to him.

They laid there for several minutes, struggling to breathe, their arms and legs intertwined. Dean sucked in deep breath then turned to look at Sam. He shifted so he was on his side, pulling Sam onto his then brushed the hair out of his eyes and leaned in and kissed him.

When Dean pulled back, Sam held the back of Dean’s head and pulled him into another kiss, continuing to kiss him for several minutes. Dean’s hand slid down Sam’s back, he grabbed his ass and started massaging his hand into the firm muscle.

Dean pulled back and licked his lips as he grinned at Sam. “So, uh…wanna do that again?”

Sam nodded, “Never wanna stop.”

“Mmm me neither. Never going to.”

Dean went in to kiss Sam again, pausing when Sam replied. “But first…”

“What?”

“We should find a motel, instead of fucking in this cramped backseat.”

Dean pretended to look offended. “My Baby is not cramped…” Dean grinned and kissed Sam as he rolled his eyes and gave him a bitchface. “What? You want to be my baby? Thought you wanted to be my bitch?”

Sam kissed Dean, suddenly glad he had a new way to get him to stop running his mouth. Dean pulled back and stretched, leaning in to give Sam another kiss then sat up. “I guess we could go to a motel that way we can just spend the rest of tonight…and tomorrow, doing nothing but this.”

As they struggled to get dressed at the same time, Sam glanced over and saw Dean tracing his finger over the amulet around his neck. “If you don’t want to wear it anymore…”

Dean jerked Sam’s head closer and crushed his lips to his brother’s. “Never should’ve taken it off…and I never will again.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Sam's hand was shaking as he slid the key into the lock of their motel room. Dean was pressed up tight against him, his hands firmly on his hips, fingers digging in so hard Sam was sure there were now bruises.

Dean leaned in and slid his tongue up behind Sam's ear and growled, "Fuck Sammy, hurry up. So damn horny."

Sam bit back a moan as he felt Dean's cock press tight against his ass. It was so hot and hard, he could feel it growing harder as Dean started to thrust against him.

"Dean...can't fucking concentrate when-"

Dean smirked and jerked Sam's head over, kissing fiercely into his mouth as he rolled his hips and pressed tighter against Sam, pressing him tightly between the door and his cock. "When what? My big fat cock's pressing against your ass? Wanna tear that ass up so damn bad, but you’re taking forever.”

Sam rolled his eyes, his brother had always been the most impatient person on the planet, but when he was horny it got even worse. Not that he wasn’t dying to have sex again, but Dean had bitched and complained for the entire twenty minutes it had taken to find a motel. He spent the entire time trying to convince Sam to pull over, already in a shitty mood because Sam said he was too drunk to drive. Then Dean tried seducing him, sitting practically in his lap and teasing Sam to the point he was about to go insane. He had been close to pulling over at least ten times, and now they were both so unbelievably horny Sam seriously doubted they would make it to the bed before Dean tried fucking him.

Dean traced his finger over the front of Sam’s jeans as he rolled his hips then thrust harder against Sam’s ass. Sam felt Dean wrap his muscular arm around his waist, he pressed against Sam as tight as he could. Sam felt Dean’s cock twitch and moaned, then dropped the key. He heard Dean chuckle under his breath as he leaned in and sucked down on Sam’s neck.

"Aren't you going to get that?"

Sam hesitated and glanced over his shoulder at Dean. Dean smirked at him, sliding his tongue across his lips.

"If you don't hurry I’m gonna bend you over the Impala and fuck you senseless.”

Sam knew Dean was only half joking, he would put nothing past Dean when he was horny. Dean grinned and took a step back. As soon as Sam bent over Dean grabbed his ass hard then put his hands on his hips and humped into Sam, moaning.

"Can't wait to tear that tight ass up the rest of the night,  _fuck_."

When Sam finally got the door open, Dean pushed him inside, kicked the door closed and shoved Sam up against the wall. He caught his lips into a heated kiss as he pressed up tightly against him. Sam bit down on Dean's lip, pulling on it as Dean groaned and humped into him hard, sliding his hand down the back of Sam's jeans and grabbing his ass firmly. Dean crushed his lips back to Sam's as his other hand ran roughly through Sam's hair, grabbing handfuls and tugging while they thrust against each other.

"Mmm fuck, Sammy," Dean moaned against his brother’s lips as Sam wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist and pressed tighter against him.

Dean’s finger traced down Sam’s ass as he kissed him, greedily thrashing his tongue around his mouth.

“De!” Sam gasped as he felt Dean’s finger tease across his rim. He gently eased his finger in as Sam pushed back to get him to slide it in all the way. Sam slid his hand across Dean's chest and pinched his nipple, starting to tease Dean back. Dean moaned and slid his finger in, pulling back and biting his lip as Sam twisted his nipple.

"Still nice and ready for me, fuck Sammy.” Dean groaned when he was still able to easily slide three fingers into him. He kissed Sam feverishly and pressed his forehead against his brother’s. “Can't wait to be in that tight, perfect ass again."

Sam reached down and unbuttoned his jeans, Dean's hand shoved Sam's out of his way and jerked his zipper down then pushed his jeans and boxers off. His fist circled around Sam's cock and he started jerking his fist up. Sam gasped, he had been aching for stimulation. Dean's fingers were pounding into his ass, Sam was pushing back hard on them, moaning his brother's name amid a string of obscenities and moans.

"Jesus fucking....you want it bad, don't you, Sammy?"

Dean twisted his wrist faster up Sam’s cock as he scissored his fingers over Sam's prostate. Sam nodded hard, when he opened his mouth to answer a loud groan slipped out. Dean grinned, he bit down on his lip as Sam's hand cupped over his erection. Sam had Dean’s jeans unzipped and his cock out before Dean even realized he was doing it. 

"Dean... _please_."

"Don't want me to suck your big fat cock first?"

"I can't fucking wait, got me so damn horny."

"Can't wait, huh? How bad you want it?" 

Sam pushed Dean's hand off his cock and wrapped his hand around both his and his brother’s. They both stared thrusting into Sam's fist, their dicks rubbing against each other with a pleasureful heated friction as precome was pouring out down Sam's hand.

"Fuck De, so bad."

 _"Fuck_ ," Dean hissed as Sam let go and turned around, too horny to mess around. Dean wrapped his hand around his cock and jerking his fist up and down as he stepped out of his jeans and took his shirt off. "So goddamn hot when you’re all desperate and horny. I fucking love it.”

Dean reached out, balling Sam’s shirt into his fist. He jerked Sam closer, then ripped Sam’s shirt over his head and pulled Sam until he was pressed tight against him. Dean ran his cock down Sam's ass then teased it against his rim. He felt Sam flex his muscles, squeezing his dick tight. 

Dean pushed the head of his cock in, groaning as he felt his brother's tight heat surround his cock, fitting him perfectly like Sam’s ass was made for him to be inside. He wrapped his arm around Sam's waist and pulled his brother tighter against him.

"The only damn thing I ever want you to worry about anymore…" Dean kissed Sam's neck, sucking down lightly as he eased his cock in a little further, circling his hips when he met resistance. "…is how you want me to fuck you. Nothing else matters, forget everything except how fucking incredible I’m gonna make you feel."

Dean thrust hard, Sam moaned and bent down, pushing his ass against Dean. "Fuck, love feeling my dick sink deep inside you. So damn perfect, Sammy.”

Sam moaned as Dean slowly pulled out. Dean slid in halfway then slowly pulled back out. “You like feeling every inch slide in? Feels so good, doesn’t it? Damn, can’t even describe how fucking incredible fucking you is. Fucking love it.”

“M-me...mmm…me too, so fucking good, De.”

"Want you to ride me after this, watch you bounce around on my cock. You wanna ride me Sammy?"

"Ohhh god." Sam moaned as Dean thrust in hard, no longer able to hold back. "Wanna ride your big thick gorgeous cock, but first I want you to bend me over and fuck me hard."

"Mmm yeah, you love feeling my cock slam in hard, don't you?" When Sam moaned a response Dean started thrusting faster. "Yeah, I love the hot fucking noises you make, feeling you get even tighter around me."

Dean grabbed Sam's hips and pulled him into his thrusts. Dean rocked his hips, pumping in and out of his brother’s ass hard and fast for several minutes then pushed down on Sam’s spine, slowing down and pulling out. Sam whimpered, Dean ran his hand down Sam’s back then grabbed his ass.

"Don't worry baby, you’ll get what you want…” Dean kissed up Sam's spine sucking down on each vertebrae, when he got to his neck then he jerked Sam’s head over and kissed him. “But first, wanna make you feel so fucking good…then give you a mind blowing orgasm again and again.”

Sam moaned into Dean’s mouth, kissing him harder as Dean ran his hands down his spine and over his ass. Dean felt Sam struggling to breathe, so he pulled back and stood up. Dean started squeezing Sam’s ass, digging his fingers into the firm muscles.

“So damn hot, Sammy,” Dean muttered to himself. He spread him open and ran his tongue over Sam's rim.

“Deaan,” Sam groaned, pushing back against him.

“Like that?”

Sam let out a breathy moan and hummed a response.

“Mmm yeah, you love it. Wanna fuck you so goddamn bad right now but I love watching you get all into it. Love making you come apart, get you so horny you’re begging for it, then when I finally fuck you…damn, wanna fuck you so hard, make you climax ‘til you pass out.”

“Fuck!” Sam bit down on his lip as Dean eased a finger in under his tongue and pressed it against his prostate.

“Mmm yeah, love hearing you get into it. Wanna make you fucking scream.”

Dean slowly teased his finger around, when Sam moaned and started pushing down for more Dean eased a second finger in and spread him apart. Dean’s tongue plunged deep inside and Sam was coming apart quick, between the pleasure pulsing through his body, the fact that he and Dean were actually together, and Dean talking to him, telling him how bad he wanted him. It was almost too much but it was the best feeling in the world, not just the way it felt to have Dean kiss, touch and fuck him, but the way he didn’t just fuck him, he would never just fuck him because Dean always went above and beyond when it came to Sam. He wanted each and every time they had sex to be better than the last, he wanted to make Sam feel indescribable pleasure and Sam loved that Dean didn’t just see it as fucking him, it was so much more, even though he would probably never admit it.

Dean’s tongue was darting around, his fingers plunging in deep as his other hand moved to hold on to Sam’s hip when he started swaying. Sam’s legs felt shaky, like they were about to give out as the pleasure started to overtake him. Sam leaned forward and held onto the wall as Dean continued to take care of him like he always had his entire life, putting him first and he was making Sam feel like he never had before. Sam felt Dean’s hand run lightly up this thigh and ghost across his hip bone. Dean teased a finger down Sam’s cock then wrapped his fist around it, giving it a few firm pulls before moving his hand back to Sam’s hip.

Dean eased his fingers out and moved his other hand to Sam’s hip. Sam felt Dean’s fingers press hard as he stood up, pulling Sam up with him. Dean slid his hands up Sam’s abdomen and across his chest as he leaned in and kissed the back of Sam’s neck. Sam moaned and pressed tight against his brother. Dean wrapped his arms tight around Sam, holding him close as he pressed soft gentle kisses down Sam’s neck and jaw.

Sam sucked in a breath and ran his hand up Dean’s neck, slowly caressing his face then curling his fingers through his hair. Dean’s jaw brushed against his neck, burning in the most incredible way.

“So hot,” Sam muttered as his hand ran back and forth across Dean’s jaw.

“What?” Dean asked as he shifted and started sucking down on the other side of Sam’s neck.

“You. Fuck, love when you don’t shave it’s…sexy.”

“You’re fucking sexy.”

Sam moaned as Dean’s jaw brushed against his cheek. Dean licked his lips and grinned. “If you like how that feels…”

Sam suddenly felt Dean pulling him down. He looked at him, suddenly a little nervous because he had that mischievous smirk on his face. Dean licked his lips slowly sliding his tongue across as he stared into Sam’s eyes and smiled seductively at him.

Dean kissed Sam, trailing kisses down his jaw then brushing his face across, grinning when Sam moaned and ran his hand back across Dean’s jaw.

“Wanna get kinky?”

“W-what do you mean?”

“Scared?”

“No!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you…for now. Pretty soon you’ll be begging me to do all kinds of hot kinky shit.”

Dean licked his lips and pushed Sam up and laid underneath him. Before Sam could protest, Dean reached up and pulled Sam down so he was straddling his head. Sam felt his face burning, glad Dean couldn’t see him blushing at the moment but not wanting to sit on his face either. Until he felt Dean’s tongue plunge deep inside of him. Sam groaned, trying to hover over him but struggling because Dean was pulling down on him and it felt good as hell. Dean pulled back, licking and sucking down on Sam’s balls, sliding two fingers into him and pounding them in.

“Relax,” Dean tried pulling Sam down again and sighed. “Trust me…you’re gonna love it.”

“It’s just…”

“Just sit on my damn face and try it. If you don’t like it...”

“Promise?”

“Whatever. You’re gonna love it.”

Dean leaned forward and brushed his cheek against Sam’s thigh. Sam gasped and bit down on his lip, trying not to moan. He heard Dean chuckle and mutter something about seeing if he can hold back while he’s riding his face.

As always Dean was right. Sam forgot all about being hesitant once he started getting into it. Sam groaned as he felt the stubble on Dean’s face burn against his thighs. “Oh fuck, Dean!”

Sam felt Dean moan then pull him down more so he was straddling his face, he bit down hard on his lip, moaning as Dean’s tongue darted around inside him. Dean kept moving his head, loving the noises Sam made as his jaw and cheek burned against Sam. He couldn’t wait to figure out all of Sam’s kinks, he was already hornier than hell and now that he was coming up with even more fantasies of what he and Sam would be doing he was about to just shift Sam down a little so he was riding his cock but he was loving making Sam feel so much pleasure and it was fun to tease him until he could barely stand it.

Sam was babbling as Dean pulled back and shoved three fingers into him. When Sam started yelling between clenched teeth and pounding down on his fingers Dean started brushing his face against Sam’s thigh. Dean eased his pinky in under his fingers, Sam groaned as he felt Dean’s fingers plunge even deeper but he was desperate to have Dean’s big fat dick in him.

Sam leaned forward, sliding his hand down Dean’s abdomen. He wrapped his fist around Dean’s cock and jerked his fist up and down fast and hard. Dean grunted, pushing his hips to get more stimulation because he was so horny, his dick so hard from the noises Sam was making it hurt.

Dean’s fingers pounded against Sam’s prostate, he yelled out Dean’s name as he felt a rush of pleasure so intense it had him shaking. Dean tried wrapping his fist around Sam’s cock but Sam was already easing himself up off of Dean’s fingers. As Sam stood he pulled Dean up with him. He kissed Dean then broke away and turned around.

“C’mon Dean…I-I can’t wait, I need you in me. Please.”

Dean pressed his hands down on Sam’s back to get him to bend over then grabbed his hip and held on tight as he guided his dick into his brother’s tight ass.

“Fuck!” Dean groaned, pulling back then thrusting in hard several times. “Feels so fucking…Goddamn so tight...and uhhh  _shit_ , Sammy…”

Dean bit down on his lip and thrust harder into Sam, moving his other hand onto his hip, pulling Sam into every thrust, feeling himself plunge in deeper with every thrust. He pushed down on Sam’s back more, moaning as he sank deep inside.

“De…shit…love feeling your big thick cock deep inside me, fuck!”

“Wanna feel my dick as deep as it can go?”

“Yes, fuck! Goddamn your dick is so fucking…uhhh damn…huge…feels…shit! More…”

“Grab your ankles.”

Sam listened, bending over more. Dean slowed down and held Sam open, pulling almost all the way out then ramming back in as he jumped into every thrust, bottoming out every time until his balls were tight against Sam’s.

“Son of a bitch! Goddamn, so...”

Dean’s voice cut out and his mouth fell open in silent ecstasy as Sam clenched down on him hard, clamping down so tight Dean could barely move. Dean’s eyes slammed shut as he held Sam’s hips tight, staying in all the way as he circled his hips and relished the feeling of his brother’s ass hugging his dick tighter and tighter.

Dean started rocking his hips, fucking into Sam as hard as he could. He slid his hand down Sam’s back, he felt Sam reach back and run his hand up his thigh and knew Sam wanted to be closer. He pulled Sam back up and wrapped his arms around him, as they thrust against each other as hard as they could. Sam started shaking hard, pressing back against Dean, moaning as he felt his skin burning against his brother’s and his cock drilling into his prostate. He moved his hips in perfect rhythm with Dean, loving how perfect it felt to be so close to him like they were two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly.

Dean grabbed a handful of Sam’s hair, tugging as he started kissing and sucking down on his neck. Sam stretched his neck out and groaned as Dean bit down near his shoulder. Sam slid his hand up Dean’s neck then across his jaw. They both went into kiss each other at the same time, thrusting against each other harder as the kiss got more and more intense.

“Dean! Shit….fuck!”

Dean began sucking down on Sam’s neck, jerking his hand up and down Sam’s cock as Sam started coming. Dean felt an orgasm building in his spine, hearing his brother making hot sexy noises as his ass tightened around his dick was the hottest most pleasureful thing he had ever experienced.

Dean started thrusting more erratically as he started coming. He felt Sam swaying as he began climaxing hard, he had his hands against the wall pushing hard into Dean. Dean held his hips firmly as he thrust harder and faster.

“Mmm shit, Sammy…fucking…god, so damn good.”

“De...Dean!  _Shit!”_

Hearing his brother screaming his name gave him what he needed to thrust into him a few more times. Sam felt like he was going to collapse from the incredible pleasure overtaking him. Dean carefully pulled out then turned Sam around, pressing him tight against the door as he kissed him with so much intensity Sam had to shove him back because it felt like he had just sucked all the air out of his lungs.

They were both struggling to breathe, leaning against the door. Dean smirked at Sam, between pants asked, “Think...you can...handle...more?”

Sam sucked in a breath and nodded. “Yeah…maybe we can try…to make it more than three feet inside the door?”

Dean pulled Sam over to the bed and they collapsed in a heap onto it. Sam shifted, he could feel Dean’s strained breaths under him and knew he was most likely crushing him. He managed to pull himself onto his side, then felt Dean pull him close. He wrapped an arm around Dean’s waist and they just laid there for a while, enjoying the feeling of being in an ecstasy coma. Dean ran his hand up and down Sam’s back then slid his hand through his hair. He caressed his face then slid a finger down Sam’s jaw to his chin. He tilted Sam’s head up and kissed him for several minutes then pulled back and grinned.

“Still wanna ride me?”

Sam smiled and nodded, getting up then straddling Dean’s hips. He noticed Dean smirking and paused.

“What?”

“Nothin’...why?”

“Bull, I know that smirk.”

Dean slide his tongue across his lip. “Just thinking ‘bout how you’re such a cockslut.”

Sam slammed down on Dean’s cock, biting down on his lip as Dean’s huge cock plunged deep inside of him, but it was worth taking it in all at once to watch Dean’s reaction. Dean’s back arched up high off the bed, he moaned, yelling out a string of obscenities as Sam pounded down hard on his cock. Sam slowly pulled off and thrust down hard again. Dean was writhing around underneath him, moaning and his fists were gripping the sheets so tight his knuckles were white.

“Fuck! Yeah, ride me hard, baby. I fucking love it rough.”

Sam slid his hands up Dean’s chest, rocking his hips hard and fast as he pinched down on Dean’s nipples.

“Mmm yeah, fucking love watching you bounce around on my cock.”

Sam leaned down, slowly winding his hips in circles as Dean tried thrusting up harder. Sam held his hip down firmly, Dean whimpered dying to thrust into his brother’s tight ass.

“C’mon Sammy, fuck.”

Sam flicked his tongue across Dean’s nipple, pinching the other and twisting. He felt Dean struggling under him, slowly relaxing as the mix of pleasure and pain overtook him. His eyes were shut tight, teeth worrying at his full plump lips. Sam moaned, he looked so gorgeous and sexy he could come just from looking at him, and the noises were driving Sam insane. Every time he bit down on Dean’s nipple harder, Dean would grunt or groan and it was so damn sexy.

“Jesus, Dean. You sound like a fucking porn star, so fucking hot.”

Dean grinned and slid his hand into Sam’s hair, curling his fingers tightly around his long dark hair and tugging hard. “I know how to make you scream like one too.”

Sam groaned as Dean jerked his fist hard, pulling Sam’s hair harder as Sam’s teeth tore into Dean’s other nipple, pinching down on the other swollen bud. Sam let go of Dean’s hip, gasping then yelling out Dean’s name as Dean thrust into him hard.

“Dean! Shit!”

Dean was grunting, pushing into Sam as hard as he could as his fingers dug into Sam’s hip. Sam sat back up, bucking his hips as hard and fast as he could.

“Yeah, you love it, don’t you Sammy? Love watching you ride me. So damn hot.” Dean paused, his breathing quick and his voice strained. He let out a deep moan and pushed his hips up hard, snapping them back and forth quickly, thrusting in rhythm with Sam. “You love feeling your big brother’s cock plunging deep into that tight ass don’t you?”

Sam nodded, struggling to breathe. Dean was trying to get to him, make him lose it because he loved seeing Sam come apart. Sam had to get Dean to come apart, he never in his life was able to beat Dean at anything or make him lose it, he always kept himself in control but Sam could tell he was losing his cool, and since he never did Sam was even more determined to do it. It was also hotter than hell because his voice got deeper and even more seductive, his lips were even plumper and hotter from kissing and sucking on Sam so much and also from biting them, his eyes got even more intense and beautiful, everything about Dean turned Sam on but right now he was so turned on he could barely stand it.

Sam knew Dean could tell when he talked dirty to Sam he liked it, but it was impossible not to react to his deep seductive voice and then when he started saying hot sexy things Sam had always fantasized about he could barely stand it. The fact that he drawled slightly when he talked was always a huge turn on but the hornier Dean got the more he did it, Sam was about to lose his mind when Dean started speaking again.

“Sammy…after this…” Dean paused and moaned, his teeth tearing into his lips as he thrust up into Sam hard. Sam jerked his hips faster, getting a few sexy grunts out of him as he continued, “I wanna ride you.”

 _“Fuck_ ,” Sam growled, rocking his hips as hard and fast as he could. Sam’s eyes met Dean’s, he had been watching him intently, his hand had been squeezing Sam’s thigh and just as he inched his way to Sam’s cock. Sam circled his fist around it and started jerking his fist quickly. He could see it effecting Dean, so he moaned and thrust his hips up and down hard.

“Get into it, get yourself off for me, Sammy. So fucking hot.”

“Dean,” Sam moaned, staring into his eyes, groaning as he felt his brother’s cock twitch hard inside of him.

Dean smacked Sam’s ass hard, smiling seductively at him, even his eyes were seducing Sam, silently begging and taunting him to keep it up because he loved it. Sam reached back and started rolling Dean’s balls, sliding a finger over his perineum. Dean moaned and sat up, wrapping his arms around Sam, humping into him as he held him tight and began kissing him feverishly.

Suddenly it wasn’t about making the other lose it first, they always had this competitiveness between them whether it was when they were hunting, during a prank war, or anything where one could out do the other. Dean had always been extremely competitive and even though Sam wasn’t quite as bad as his brother was, he never heard the end of it when Dean won so he always fought back making everything they did a contest on who could outdo the other.

Even now having sex, the few times they did it was about teasing the other, making them feel more pleasure and having rough hard incredible sex but as soon as Sam felt Dean’s arms around him something changed. He looked at Dean, his eyes were so dark, and they had been filled with lust and desperation since he first kissed him in the alley but something had subtly changed in his eyes. He no longer saw only a longing to have endless incredible sex that he had fantasized about for a majority of his life, but it was exactly what he knew Dean could see in his eyes, a longing to be together, to be this close and never let go. A love so strong and pure and a bond no one was ever going to come between, a silent promise to each other this was what they wanted and that they would never again do anything to mess it up.

Dean’s hand shot up and cupped Sam’s cheek, slowly caressing it with his thumb as he leaned in and kissed his brother so sensually and passionately Sam had to wait a minute for his heart to restart because for once his hard ass brother was letting go of a lifetime of burying his true feelings and emotions, never letting Sam in or see him be vulnerable but Dean was finally letting Sam feel how much he needed him and wanted to be with him more than anything. He pressed his forehead against Sam’s, thrusting into him slowly as he looked into his eyes.

Sam knew Dean would never come out and say things he desperately wanted to both hear from Dean and say to him but in that moment it didn’t matter because he knew Dean loved him just as much as he did, that he was in love with him and always would be.

Dean kissed Sam again, then pulled back as Sam jerked his hips hard. Dean shifted and hit his prostate just right, and the feeling was pure ecstasy. Sam moaned, then leaned down and put his head on Dean’s shoulder as he started coming with Dean right behind him. Dean buried his face in Sam’s neck, moaning loud. Sam slid his hand up Dean’s neck, holding his head tight with his fingers curled in his short hair. Sam felt Dean exhaling heavily, it felt amazing like a flame licking him and it intensified his orgasm. Dean started sucking down on his neck as Sam tightened his fist in Dean’s hair. Sam tugged lightly, Dean worked his way to Sam’s lips and they kissed, the hottest, steamiest kiss they had shared so far as they both climaxed hard, their skin burning against each other, breathing ragged as they panted and moaned into each other’s mouth, all while thrusting against each other, feeling more pleasure than all of their past sexual experiences combined.

Dean fell back, pulling Sam with him, kissing him for several minutes before rolling them around as they continued to hump into each other, riding out the most intense orgasm either of them had ever felt until it finally took over.

They reluctantly pulled away from each other, sweat pouring off of them, struggling to breathe and in a near ecstasy induced coma. They laid on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. After several minutes they turned and looked at each other at the exact same time and both went in for a kiss.

 

 

Dean blinked hard, he should feel like total shit after finally coming down from a nearly week long high and finally sobering up from being constantly drunk but he had never felt better in his life. No matter how much alcohol he drank or drugs he did, Dean would never ever feel as incredible as he did at that moment knowing he finally had the one and only thing he had ever needed. Knowing Sam felt the same way was the best feeling in the world and he was never going to do anything to fuck it up. He knew he would still drink but not excessively, and he would never do another drug again as long as he had Sam.

Sam was just about asleep, he had never in his life felt so many intense feelings. Dean had always made him feel loved and happiness like nothing else ever would, but in that moment laying across Dean having Dean’s arm around him he felt an incredible euphoric love. He knew Dean would never let anything take it away because they would never be able to live without it, they would forever be together no matter what.

“Sam?”

Sam opened his eyes and looked up at Dean. They had been laying there for nearly an hour, lazily making out and just enjoying the feeling of finally being together. Neither of them had slept much over the past week, but suddenly they were both wide awake.

Dean let out a long slow breath, tightening his arm around Sam he whispered, “I love you.”

Sam pushed himself up on Dean’s chest as Dean pulled him closer. He brushed the hair out of Sam’s eyes as he leaned down and kissed him. Sam shifted so he was lying next to Dean, and they wrapped their arms around each other, touching and feeling every inch of each other’s body as they continued to make out.

Sam’s eyes closed, he moaned softly as Dean’s tongue worked its way around his mouth slowly, gradually building, until he had worked the kiss up to a hot steamy kiss.

When Dean pulled back he ran his finger down Sam’s face then leaned in and pressed several more kisses to his lips. Sam smiled and held Dean’s face in his hands, looking into is eyes he replied, “I love you Dean, more than anything.”

Sam felt his eyes watering, he quickly looked down and leaned against his brother, burying his face in Dean’s neck. He felt Dean’s muscular arm tighten around him as Dean started slowly running his hand up and down his back.

Sam relaxed as Dean’s hands gradually started massaging into his muscles, ghosting his fingers across his perfectly sculpted back and shoulders. Sam moaned softly and melted into his brother’s touch. Dean gradually slowed down and just held Sam.

“What’s wrong, Sammy?”

“I’m…” Sam paused and debating on saying anything. He did not want to ruin what they finally had. He knew he had messed up and hurt Dean so much, and he wanted more than anything to make it up to him and for them to move on. It seemed like Dean had moved on but he had this nagging worry that got worse every day that someday Dean would realize he couldn’t forgive Sam and he’d lose him forever.

Dean carded his hand though Sam’s hair slowly twirling his fingers around then kissing the top of Sam’s head. He rested his chin on top of Sam’s forehead and whispered, “You can tell me anything Sammy. No more secrets.”

“I hate that I-”

Dean quickly cut Sam off, “No more of that, I…I can’t Sam. I was wrong, I should never have left, It hurt more than anything to lose you and I just…I need to be able to let it go but I don’t want to ever talk about it again because we both have said or done things we regret but we can’t change them…it fucking killed me but I-I want to pretend none of it ever happened and we need to enjoy what we finally have. I don’t ever want to think about losing you again. I promise I will never stop loving you, and nothing you’ve ever said or done is going to change how I feel.”

“I’m going to feel guilty the rest of my life. You’ve done so much for me, gave everything and-“

Sam’s voice cracked, Dean pushed his head up and kissed him, pressing his lips hard against Sam’s. Dean held his face in his hands and leaned against him.

“Don’t. Please…just…If I can let it go, you need to do it too.”

“I’m just afraid the angels are gonna-“

Dean pulled Sam’s head closer, staring into is eyes. “That’s never gonna happen, those douchebags won’t ever come between us again. I won’t let it happen and I’m gonna do everything I can to make sure they never find us but neither one of us will  _ever_  be their vessel.”

Sam smiled and nodded. He wanted to believe it, and a small part of him did because it was a miracle that Dean was even speaking to him. Sam knew that was a long shot and it was still sort of surreal that Dean wanted to be with him, have sex with him and most of all opening up and admitting his feelings to him. Sam never ever thought they would be together and he especially never would have expected Dean to come out and say he loved him. It made almost anything seem possible, and he knew Dean would never let the angels get to them.

Dean licked his lips and smirked. “Now let’s stop being so… _you know_. I don’t wanna sit around here like a couple of girls talking about our feelings and shit.”

Sam laughed, Dean bit his lip and grinned. “What?”

Sam ran his hand down Dean’s chest and then kissed him. “I just knew you’d say something like that.”

“Hey, you fell in love with my awesome personality…or was it just my sex appeal?” Dean sat up a little and looked at Sam, a devilish grin spreading across his face. “So what is it? My incredible ass? The fact that I’m a bad ass, or my incredible sense of humor? What is it you love about me Sammy?”

Sam sighed, even though Dean was eternally hard on himself he was also cocky and Sam didn’t want to inflate his ego too much, not yet anyway. “Everything Dean, I love every damn thing about you.”

Dean smiled. “Yeah? Me too, about you mean. Well, me too but that’s obvious, but anyway…we done with the chick bullshit? Cuz all I wanna do right now is…fuck.”

Sam smiled back and nodded. Dean rolled them around so Sam was on his back, nudging his legs apart.

“So…want me to ride you? Or fuck you?”

“Both.”

“Mmm yeah that’s my…wait, would you rather be my baby or my bitch?”

Sam licked his lips and grinned. “Both.”

Dean crushed his lips to his brother’s, moaning. “That’s why I love you.”

Sam paused, pulling back slightly. “Really?”

Dean rolled his eyes and tugged on Sam’s hair. “Damn.”

“What?”

“Wanted to tell you to shut the hell up…but since you wanna run your mouth so damn much I’ll just make you fucking scream.”

“Maybe I would be screaming already if you’d quit running your damn mouth.” Sam leaned in to kiss Dean, when Dean tried to close the space between them Sam pulled back and muttered, “Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

“Why don’t you show me how much you love me being your bitch?”

“Why don’t we see who can make the other one hornier and break first?”

Sam traced a finger over Dean’s chest, grinning. “You are so on.”

“Yeah, you’re gonna be begging me to be on you here any minute now.”

Sam pinched Dean’s nipple hard as Dean started tugging on Sam’s hair. They started kissing and in an instant their hands were running across each other, thrusting and humping, biting and sucking, both trying to make the other hornier, making themselves even hornier.

It was nearly seven in the morning, after finally agreeing it was a tie and having sex two more times they went to sleep but only because Sam convinced Dean they would be able to have sex the entire day if they got some rest. Dean agreed because he was planning on having an epic sex marathon for the rest of their lives and figured they would occasionally have to break away long enough to eat and sleep but every single second of the day he would be coming up with all sorts of hot kinky sexual things he wanted to do with Sam.

 


	9. Epilogue

Two days later, Cas appeared in their motel room and for the first time ever he noticed Dean looked happy, he was actually smiling and Sam was too. They were laying on the bed taking a break to eat and Cas figured this would be his only opportunity to talk to them until Dean was famished enough to take another break.

“I take it you two…worked everything out?”

Dean smirked. “Yep, been working it out for two days.”

Sam rolled his eyes and turned to Cas. “Yeah, uh…thanks for…”

Cas waved Sam off impatiently. “I’m sure you two would have eventually…” Cas sighed and cleared his throat. “I’m actually here for a reason. Now that you two finally stopped being unbelievably, monumentally, nauseatingly-”

“Damn it, Cas. Spit it out.”

“Stubborn. You realize you are soul mates and-”

Dean rolled his eyes and opened his mouth but Cas shot him a look. “Don’t even think of interrupting me with a smart ass remark, I’m not in the mood.”

“What’s got your wings in a twist?”

“Dean,” Sam hissed as he nudged Dean’s back with his knee. He pulled him so he was lying across him and massaged his shoulders to get him to shut up.

“While you two were…” Cas heard Dean chuckle as his face turned red but ignored him. “I’ve been searching for a way to kill Lucifer. Although I think you two should just go somewhere and take some time off…I know you won’t ever be able to unless we take care of this. I need you two to go into hiding until I can get everything we will need, which means no hunting or doing anything that would alert any angels to where you are.”

“I think we can find something to keep us busy.” Dean smirked and rolled onto his stomach as Sam continued massaging down his spine.

“I’ve looked ahead, into possibilities of how this could play out, even what would have happened if you two did not work things out. You would not like the alternative so we need to make this happen.”

Sam nodded. “So…where should we go?”

“It doesn’t matter as long as you remain hidden from all angels, demons and anything else who could use knowing your location as leverage. I may be able to do this without you two, and I would prefer you not to be involved. Keep moving and don’t even let me know where you are until I come for you.”

“How’re you going to find us?”

“Pray to me in one week, we’ll go from there.”

Dean opened his mouth to respond but Cas had already disappeared. He turned to Sam and grinned then stood up, pulling his shirt off and slowly unzipping his jeans. He slid his tongue across his lips as he watched Sam’s pupils grow larger and his jeans get tighter. Dean pushed his jeans off then climbed on the bed, straddling Sam’s hips.

“Guess we better fuck a few times before we hit the road.”

Sam pushed his hips up, thrusting into Dean. “Like you aren’t gonna try to hit it all up and down the road.”

“Gonna pull over and fuck our way through every state.”

“How are we ever going to do anything? This is really the only thing I ever want to do again.”

Dean leaned in and kissed Sam, kissing him softly then leaning his forehead against Sam’s. “As soon as this is all over, that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.”

Sam bit down on his lip, feeling his eyes water. “Really?”

“Really. So…the usual?”

Sam grinned and nodded. “Yep, first to make the other break gets anything they want.”

“Damn, I love you.”

For the first time in his life, Sam knew he really had nothing to worry about. Soon they were going to be able to have the life they had always wanted and not have to worry about the archangels trying to wreck their lives. They were both finally happy, and they never needed anything else because the only thing they would ever need was each other.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> to be continued....maybe
> 
> [Follow me on tumblr!](http://obsessedwith-dean-castiel-sam.tumblr.com/)


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